Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sabbath Day

For the past few months it has been a real struggle for me to get up on Sunday and go to church (and my church starts at one). I feel I've lost some of the desire and motivation to get myself there every Sunday. I find myself debating whether or not I should go, and until recently I have mainly gone to seem alright to my roommate Art. Now that he knows what's going on with me I don't even have that as a motivation. 

Ever since coming out to myself and accepting my homosexuality as a real part of me it's gotten harder to go each week. When I finally do go to church I feel almost left out in an eternal perspective from all the talks, lessons, and discussions. I see even more now how certain religious themes and ideas are prevalent in everything we Mormons do and say. I'm not bitter towards the church or anything, but I do feel there are eternal goals that everyone in church is aiming for and centers their teachings around that I will never be a part of; Eternal marriage, celestial glory, and raising a family for instance. These goals were once a huge part of myself, but now I question if any of them are still attainable to me.

My outward actions so far have not changed, but inwardly all my perceptions and motivations are changing and I don't know what to do and how to feel. 

My brother Marcus recently asked in reference to the church if I was "coming or going?" and I really didn't know how to answer. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a definite emotional push toward "going" but part of me still wants to remain. I cannot say that I believe the church is not true. I use to teach and put trust in the fact that "the church of Jesus Christ is for everyone." In a way I still believe that, but I wonder if I am ready and willing to choose to be a part of something that I feel left out from; or from something that leaves me with unachievable eternal goals. I know that at some point I am going to have to make a decision...I just don't know what that will be.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Crazy Weekend

This weekend was crazy. I went with my whole extended family camping Friday to Saturday. It was awesome to be outside enjoying this amazing summer weather. I love my extended family. Basically all you need is food and you have a party with these people.I loved it.

I was suppose to run/walk a 5k with one of my brothers and sister-in-law on Saturday, but it was cancelled due to some health issues with my nephew (he's doing better now). So instead I was able to stay up at the camp for another relaxing day.

Then on Sunday I had a fabulous time at the Utah Pride Festival. It was so amazing to be surrounded by so many gay people and supporters. I was able to see the parade and all the cute guys that came with it. Man there were a lot of cute guys there! It was awesome. Later my brother Marcus' fiancĂ©e Sarah joined me at the festival. Marcus said he would have come if it weren't for the fact that he's living in Indonesia right now, so he messaged me the whole time instead. It was really cool to have some family support there. We were able to see some of the entertainment (there is something about a drag show that makes me all joyful inside) and enjoy the festivities. I really had a good time and felt so great afterwards. 

Then yesterday, yes I'm counting Monday as part of my weekend, I came out to my roommate Art. This was totally unexpected and surprising. I had planned on coming out to him once I had moved out of our apartment because I wasn't sure how he'd take it. I had even made a mental pros and cons list for if I should come out to him:

Cons- You never know how someone will react, his life is firmly centered in the gospel and Mormonism, he's the kinda guy who loves to shop and read books from Deseret Book, he is going to be a seminary teacher in the fall and I have had problems with other seminary teachers, I don't want him to feel awkward or uncomfortable in his own apartment.

Pros- He is my best friend of all time, he has shared many personal things with me under confidence, he has two gay uncles that he's talked about with me, he shares my concern and understands my distaste of aspects of Mormon Culture, we've had many conversations about homosexuality and Mormonism.

In the end the list was thrown out as the circumstances just lead to me telling him. I got home yesterday from doing yard work for my grandpa for ten hours and all I wanted was to go to a sit down restaurant with my friend. So that's what we did. At dinner he was asking me about my life. He'd noticed that I was in a slump and was genuinely asking me how I was doing. I don't get that a lot from him (I usually tell him before he asks) so it felt nice to have him notice. I told him I was in a state of "transition" and that I was scared of where things were going in my life. He sympathized with me and we continued to talk with vague references to things.

 When we finished eating and were driving home he once again genuinely asked to know what my problems were. I couldn't hold it in any longer. So I told him that I was gay. 

Side note: You know every time I say the words "I'm gay" to someone for the first time they feel so plain. I don't know why, but I always expect more of a revelation or intense feeling to come with those words but if doesn't. The feelings come later as we talk about it more, but the initial statement seems so blah to me compared to everything else.

Well, I guess you never can expect how people will react. To me it seemed as if he took it so natural. Like if I had said "I have red hair" or something obvious and normal. I guess I had been prepping him for this for a while. Later he mentioned that he had thought about asking me if I was gay. The guy has lived with me for 3 years and we served in the same mission, it makes sense that he'd have some inkling about my sexuality. 

As our conversation continued I was just so happy to feel the true friendship between us. He was absolutely supportive and understanding. He made it very clear that our friendship isn't built on our connection to the church but on who we are as people. It was awesome. Before yesterday I hated having to hide a part of who I was from my best friend, now I'm just happy to have a roommate who is understanding of my situation and won't judge me if one Sunday I just don't feel like going to church, or any other type of situation that comes around. He's an awesome guy and he's gonna make some girl really lucky one day.