Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Yesterday I got on the interwebs because I wanted to see when the Utah Pride Festival was happening. I don’t really know much about Pride and I want to understand what it’s all about. I do know that it involves taking pride and standing up for who you are as a LGBT person. This is something I’m trying to improve about myself as I get my act together. Someone at one point had told me that Utah Pride was in June and I thought I might go check it out. I found out that it’s on June 4-6. I was a little disappointed; I have a family party on the 4th and am run/walking a 5k on the 5th so I won’t be able to attend the festival.

Here’s a link to their website: Utah Pride Festival 2010

But, while I was looking yesterday I saw that there was a movie being screened last night to start the festival off called Beyond Gay: The Politics of Pride up in Salt Lake. Here is the trailer:

Beyond Gay Trailer from Big Gay Movie on Vimeo.

After watching the trailer I decided that if I couldn't go to pride, I could at least see this movie and learn what it’s all about. I really didn’t know what to expect when I got there, but I felt like it was something I wanted to do. This would be my first time going to a public Gay event and I was very nervous. I wished I had someone to go with me, but being alone was not going to keep me from attending. When I got there I was even more nervous. My hands were shaking and my heart was racing. I scanned the room looking at all the people till suddenly I saw a familiar face. There was my friend Shawn from school. I saw him and decided to go say hello. Shaw has always been openly gay in our classes and he was surprised to see me there, and even more surprise to find out I was gay (he had called me out on it about a year ago. I was denying it to myself at the time so I denied it to him as well). Shawn was there with his boyfriend and invited me to sit with them.

The movie was amazing! It was so moving to see these people in countries where it is illegal to hold a pride event or even to be homosexual. Amidst all their struggles they are willing to stand up for their beliefs and hold pride events. The movie also shows the history of Pride and how it has evolved through time. It made me realize that there is more to Pride than I had thought. It’s far more political, and far more important for human rights than I had thought. After the movie screening there was a panel discussion with one of the producers of the film and the two directors of the Utah Pride Festival were they talked further about Pride and about Utah’s festival.

After the movie I decided that I need to show my support for Pride. Like I said before, I will not make it on the 4th and 5th, but that Sunday is when the Pride Parade will be happening, and I want to be there to show my support. I won’t lie and say I’m not nervous about going, and I’ll probably be going by myself again, but I feel that this is something important for the community as a whole and me as an individual. It’ll be fun, and I’m excited to see what it’s all about.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Not Waving But Drowning

My soon to be sister-in-law and great friend Sarah (She’s engaged to my brother Marcus and knows that I am gay) reminded me of a poem the other day by Stevie Smith.

Not Waving But Drowning 

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

I had read and thought about this poem a lot. If you read it for a literal interpretation it can get really confusing, but for me it sums up a sense of feeling and emotion that I experience frequently.

I experienced it again today when I visited with my dear grandma, in who’s basement apartment I rent out. She was asking me if I was dating any girls. I panicked, smiled, and sort of lied. I told her I had gone on a few dates with a girl recently, and “we’ll see what happens.” She then began telling me all about this girl she met in the temple that she thinks would just be perfect for me. The whole while I’m thinking about the emotional torment that I have been going through being closeted, about how important temple marriages are to me as a member of the church, and how might my grandma react if she knew I was being gay.

I left waving and smiling to my grandma, while drowning in emotion inside.

Thankfully, I have friends and family that can and do see when I am emotionally drowning. They offer comfort, safety, encouragement, and hope to help me press on in my life.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Family Ties

Sorry for not blogging lately. I had final papers and then took a bit of a break to recuperate. Anyway, I love this movie:

I recently found this video on YouTube and thought it was hilarious. I think it the way she says “he’s a gay man now!” with that accent that makes me just giggle. And my favorite scene is when Jon’s mother is showing him all the magazine pictures of men and talking about how hot they are. Even writing about it makes me laugh and giggle.

That being said, the movie reminded me also of a real concern I’ve been thinking about. I really don’t know how my family will react to me coming out, but I have a feeling that most will not be interested, nor want to hear about my dating life after finding out. I know it’s not a huge concern, but it’s really been troubling me lately.

Currently, I hate having to tell them that I’m not dating anyone because “I just haven’t found anyone I’m really attracted to right now” while thinking, “that you’d want to hear about.” I really appreciate them asking me about it. It shows that they have love and concern for me and that they really are interested in my life. It’s flattering to think that my sister knows girls she’d like to set me up on, even though I’ve never gone beyond a first date with any of them. And usually they’re really good matches, except the fact that I’m not attracted to them like that. At least I know that she wants me to be happy and wants to be involved in my life. Will that change when they find out I’m gay? I can’t imagine that same sister trying to set me up with a man ever. Yet I long to be able to talk openly and freely about my real relationships with other people.

Maybe I’m being a bit superficial, and maybe I’m jumping the gun a bit since I haven’t come out to them yet, but I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s scary at time to consider how a huge part of my world is going to be turned upside down.

Anyway….I don’t like ending on a depressing note so…. “Did you hear about our John? He’s a gay man now!” …giggles.