Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Words of Wisdom

This was said in a conversation with my brother Marcus over the phone, "When it comes to heterosexuals and homosexuality, there are really only two types of people: Those who know someone who's gay, and those who don't realize they know someone who's gay."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Sometimes You Gotta Laugh!

As a gay man, an English major, a lover of all things Shakespeare, and a fan of parody I just had to post this video. Now, I understand that it can easily feed stereotypes about Gay men that I personally don't alway fit into, but sometimes you just have to let that all go and enjoy the ride.

"p.s. this is the best your hair has ever looked!" Love it!

"Why are you still in the bed?!" Hilarious. Anyway, just thought I'd share this with anyone reading. hope you get just as much a kick out of it as I do!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

A Crossroads

Well, it’s been a crazy emotional week since I last blogged and I feel like I’ve come quite a way. I guess I could say that the night I wrote my first blog post I had hit rock bottom. I has spent all of my spring break vacation sitting alone in my apartment trying to understand who I was and what I could do. Obviously I had had all these thoughts before, but never with such intensity. I was at my breaking point and didn’t know what to do. That night I decided I had to find someone I could just talk to. I needed someone who’d listen, empathize, and counsel without any judgments.

The next day I called my brother Marcus. Marcus currently lives in Oklahoma and is the most liberal and understanding of my siblings. He’s even at times joked and said, “You know you can tell me if you’re gay.” To others it would seem like a harmless joke, but we both knew he meant it seriously if I were ever ready. We talked for hours and tears were shed and love was shared. It was really nice to know that he supports me in whatever I choose to do.

This experience helped me make a choice. After coming out to Marcus I felt my emotional weight lighten. In coming out to him, I have made a choice. No more wallowing in self denial and guilt for something I cannot control. I can now make steps towards really understanding who I am and what I want in life. I still looking at and trying to understand my personal religious, social, and moral beliefs. And I know that it is going to take a while, but it’s far better than being in the state I was a week ago. I’ve accepted my homosexuality and now I have to understand what comes with that. I know I have a long way to go still. There are a lot of things I need to figure out, but I am optimistic for the future.

As I think about this week and the decisions I’ll be making in the future a song comes into my head. I recently re-heard it at a friend’s talent show and now I can’t get it out of my head. Part of it goes:

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't
If you won't
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start but I will complete
Oh now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I've got to find my own
My own...
This is how I feel. I am alone at a crossroads and I am now excited to find my own way, and accept me for who I am. Like I said before, this has been an emotional week for me.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Amazing Movie

So yesterday was a bit emotional for me and I may have sounded a bit desperate yesterday. One of the reasons I was feeling that way was because of a movie I had seen. I just got the movie Bear Cub from my Netflix yesterday.

Wow, it's an amazing movie. I love watching foreign films and this one was outstandingly made. It really tried to show a new story for gays that still brings up many issues that surround being gay. I was impacted most by the fact that the characters in the film are surrounded by people that accept them for who they are. This is a movie that anyone reading this blog could watch and enjoy...and the main character is cute beyond compare.

A Rant

I can’t stand it anymore. The silence is killing me. I have to tell someone that I’m gay or I’m going to explode. I thought about my brother M but how much can I really trust him. He’s the most liberal minded of my 9 siblings, but I don’t know if he’d be concerned enough to tell my parents, and I don’t want that. I just want someone to talk to about my situation. I hate having this secret and I really want to know what I can do about it. I just wish I had someone to talk to about my problems; my conscience just suggested God, but that feels like a one-sided conversation. Uhg! It’s tearing me up inside.

I've started to hate myself, my image, my life. Everything wrong in my life I punish myself with by blaming it on being gay. I've come to hate everything that really makes up the core of who I am. I feel like such a hypocrite. I live in the heart of Utah Valley and I don’t know any other gay people. I mean I’m aware that they’re out there but I personally have no gay friends. The few I've met in school I don't feel enough to to really share with them my feelings.

That's not the only issue I’m dealing with is that I am not the stereotypical gay man. When people around me think of gay men they don’t see the Bearish 25 year old 270 lbs redhead in front of them, no they envision this skinny twink that is effeminate and every girl’s best friend. (Okay so the girl’s best friend part fits me to a T). And I’m attracted to other hairy large men. I understand that there are Bears out there but I don’t know where. I don’t even know what I would do if I found one since I have no dating experience. None! I get set up by family with girls that are so nice and sweet but who I have no attraction for, so I never have progressed beyond maybe 2 dates since I don’t feel right leading them on.

I just feel like I have no one to talk to who understand me and what I’m going through. I’m sick of feeling alone and helpless. I’m sick of sitting at home because I have no one who really understands me. I’m sick of never being able to fully open up to anyone. I just want someone to talk to. I hope that by creating this blog I might find someone out there who can relate to me.

Sorry I didn't mean to whine like that. I guess I'm just having a bad day.