Sunday, March 21, 2010

A Rant

I can’t stand it anymore. The silence is killing me. I have to tell someone that I’m gay or I’m going to explode. I thought about my brother M but how much can I really trust him. He’s the most liberal minded of my 9 siblings, but I don’t know if he’d be concerned enough to tell my parents, and I don’t want that. I just want someone to talk to about my situation. I hate having this secret and I really want to know what I can do about it. I just wish I had someone to talk to about my problems; my conscience just suggested God, but that feels like a one-sided conversation. Uhg! It’s tearing me up inside.

I've started to hate myself, my image, my life. Everything wrong in my life I punish myself with by blaming it on being gay. I've come to hate everything that really makes up the core of who I am. I feel like such a hypocrite. I live in the heart of Utah Valley and I don’t know any other gay people. I mean I’m aware that they’re out there but I personally have no gay friends. The few I've met in school I don't feel enough to to really share with them my feelings.

That's not the only issue I’m dealing with is that I am not the stereotypical gay man. When people around me think of gay men they don’t see the Bearish 25 year old 270 lbs redhead in front of them, no they envision this skinny twink that is effeminate and every girl’s best friend. (Okay so the girl’s best friend part fits me to a T). And I’m attracted to other hairy large men. I understand that there are Bears out there but I don’t know where. I don’t even know what I would do if I found one since I have no dating experience. None! I get set up by family with girls that are so nice and sweet but who I have no attraction for, so I never have progressed beyond maybe 2 dates since I don’t feel right leading them on.

I just feel like I have no one to talk to who understand me and what I’m going through. I’m sick of feeling alone and helpless. I’m sick of sitting at home because I have no one who really understands me. I’m sick of never being able to fully open up to anyone. I just want someone to talk to. I hope that by creating this blog I might find someone out there who can relate to me.

Sorry I didn't mean to whine like that. I guess I'm just having a bad day.


  1. There are many many men out there who do understand what you are feeling. We are out there. One of the greatest blessings of blogging is that knowledge. You are not alone! I'm glad that I found your blog and can't wait to hear more from you.

    If you want to get to know people, leave comments around and they will find you.

    Stay strong, I know of many gay guys at BYU and would be happy to introduce you virtually if you would like. You can also attend the MOHO parties that Scott and Sara have once a month. I hear they are well attended.

    Thanks again for letting us peak into your life.

  2. Thanks. The more I'm learning the less I feel alone.

  3. Chuck, or should I call you MoCub?

    Did you hear the latest statistical report at General Conference? The church now has 13,824,854 members. So if only one tenth of one percent of these members are gay, you've got 13,824 other gay brothers and sisters who are also Mormon enough to remain on the church records. Do you feel any less alone? Hope so, because in terms of statistics I'm sure you realize I've been very, very conservative in my estimates. There's a bunch us and we need not feel alone especially as we reach out and actually get to know others, online or in person or, hopefully, in both ways.

    And just for good measure, remember that some of us have a strong appreciation for that rare and beautiful sight of a redheaded bear with a beard, as along as he's not too skinny that is. ;D

  4. Thanks Ned, I do realize that there are others out there just like me. The more I come out and open my eyes the more I'm discovering that personally. It's really nice to not feel alone anymore.

  5. Hey Chuck,

    Never never never think you are alone. Your not you have friends here on the blog. I will tell you a little bit about me. I am a bit older than you. I am 52, do not let that put you off. I am not looking for anything other myself, sorting my head out a bit. Travelling the road of life. I am at ease with who and what I am - GAY and LDS. I am married, one boy - your age, married soon to be a granddad

    I know the church's point of view on homosexuality and I know what my own close family's point of view is on the subject - I wont even go there.

    I am ease with myself, as I have mentioned but feel isolated as I am not out or an active gay man but have harboured gay feelings since I was eight.

    I love the blogosphere as it allows me/you/us and other to make contact and not feel that isolation.

    I guess you can ask me any question/s you like. I am not the fountain of all knowledge but am willing to listen, help offer any encouragement you might need.

    I know just having someone to talk it out with makes a difference.

    With respect to you, you are youngish and there are a lot of people in the world - in and out of the gay community - that use people for their own ends.

    You seem like a cool guy. At your size and build do you play any sports? Me, like yourself, I am big built and hairy. I like your openness and honesty in sharing your feelings on your blog - thanks for making me smile.

    I lost my beloved cat recently and miss him so much - smiles have been in short supply lately. I pray for him every day and will be doing so shortly.

    Believe in yourself, you sound like a good guy. Your parents have brought you up well, or at least that is the impression you convey in your writings and thoughts.

    My little ditty on 'coming out', be careful. My experience of close friends coming out - in and out of the church - is mixed, very mixed results.

    Your brother out of familial love may tell your parents who in turn may tell church leaders and that can lead to a whole lot of complications.

    Talk to us on the blog and we can help with advice and look at options. Share experiences - I have not always been a member of the church.

    Take care and look after yourself. Remember you have friends - you are not alone - I sound like one of those church DVDs don't I lol?