Up until I created this blog I can honestly say that prayer was an important part of my day. I can't say that my prayers were always heartfelt and sincere, but at least I would make an effort to pray and hope that my prayers were answered. I followed the structured prayers that I had taught as a missionary ( you know, address God, give thanks, ask for needs and desires, close in the name of Christ). I felt at the time that prayer was important in building a relationship with God, but even then I struggled to feel this relationship forming at times, so I'd try harder to be sincere in my prayers and work on this relationship.
When I finally began to come out of the closet and wrestle with the ideas of being both Mormon and gay I stopped praying completely. This was about 6 months ago. I felt as if I needed to take a break from my relationship with God and try and figure some things out. I felt that my sincere prayers for most of my life to have my homosexuality controlled and removed were a waste. I began to wonder if God was even out there and hearing my prayers, and if he even cared. Were my prayers just me trying to make a relationship with someone that didn't exist, or just didn't reciprocate the message back?
Now, I do feel and hold on to hope that God does exist. I believe that there is goodness in Mormonism, but I also feel that the rigid structure of the religion can help many people, but for me it was holding me back from happiness and well being in this life. I like to consider myself a "less active" member by choice.
Now when I pray, it's more a meditation of ideas. I don't want to adhere to any type of form of prayer. It comes more as I ponder things in my mind. It's not a prepared statement to some person, but a jumble of ideas to figure out. I don't expect any communication from God, but would love it, and I cannot deny that other prayers of mine have been answered. if he does answer me I'm pleased with that.
So, now I'm wondering (and I'd love some input on this) it's okay to pray for things that I want that aren't always in line with Mormon teachings. I've been taught all my life that I should pray to find that woman I could marry and go to the temple with. Now that prayer is just not practical for me. I'd rather pray for things I really do want and are achievable in my life. So what do you think? Is it okay for me to pray to God that I meet a man to date and have a relationship with?