A Crossroads

Well, it’s been a crazy emotional week since I last blogged and I feel like I’ve come quite a way. I guess I could say that the night I wrote my first blog post I had hit rock bottom. I has spent all of my spring break vacation sitting alone in my apartment trying to understand who I was and what I could do. Obviously I had had all these thoughts before, but never with such intensity. I was at my breaking point and didn’t know what to do. That night I decided I had to find someone I could just talk to. I needed someone who’d listen, empathize, and counsel without any judgments.

The next day I called my brother Marcus. Marcus currently lives in Oklahoma and is the most liberal and understanding of my siblings. He’s even at times joked and said, “You know you can tell me if you’re gay.” To others it would seem like a harmless joke, but we both knew he meant it seriously if I were ever ready. We talked for hours and tears were shed and love was shared. It was really nice to know that he supports me in whatever I choose to do.

This experience helped me make a choice. After coming out to Marcus I felt my emotional weight lighten. In coming out to him, I have made a choice. No more wallowing in self denial and guilt for something I cannot control. I can now make steps towards really understanding who I am and what I want in life. I still looking at and trying to understand my personal religious, social, and moral beliefs. And I know that it is going to take a while, but it’s far better than being in the state I was a week ago. I’ve accepted my homosexuality and now I have to understand what comes with that. I know I have a long way to go still. There are a lot of things I need to figure out, but I am optimistic for the future.

As I think about this week and the decisions I’ll be making in the future a song comes into my head. I recently re-heard it at a friend’s talent show and now I can’t get it out of my head. Part of it goes:

I don't know where I belong

But I'll be moving on

If you don't

If you won't

Listen

To the song here in my heart

A melody I start but I will complete

Oh now I'm done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling

I'm more than what you made of me

I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I've got to find my own

My own...

This is how I feel. I am alone at a crossroads and I am now excited to find my own way, and accept me for who I am. Like I said before, this has been an emotional week for me.