too little time.
Okay, so a ton of things have happened lately that I felt I should blog about, but I didn't. Sorry. I am such a slacker right now. Anyway, these should all be different blog posts but I'm doing them all at once. Oh, I've given them titles just for the fun of it.
Wedded Bliss
My brother Marcus got married to Sarah on Saturday. (Marcus totally married up 'cause Sarah is AMAZING!) So I was able to attend their temple ceremony and everything else. This was my first wedding I've been to in the temple. It was really nice and I was amazed at the simplicity of it all. Of course, as the sealer was explaining to Marcus and Sarah the importance of their matrimony I couldn't help but think if I will ever be able to experience marriage. If so, it won't be in the temple, and it would be with a guy. Enough of the pity party, the wedding was awesome and I am so happy for them.
Cornered by the Bishop
Now I almost didn't get to the temple ceremony because I had to renew my temple recommend two weeks ago. So, I set up the interview as usual and go into to meet with my bishop on a Thursday during my 15 minute alloted time. He sits me down and explains that my roommate Art had told him that I had been going through some troubles. So I try to tiptoe around the subject and explain that I'm trying to understand and work through some doctrinal issues. My bishop then asks for specifics. He's not letting me settle with generalities. By this time I feel cornered, and on edge and decide that there is no other way of avoiding it so I tell him that I'm gay. I hadn't planned on it and didn't want to tell him but I was very straight with him (pun intended) and laid it all out there.
First off, he didn't seemed shocked, but he did seem like this was his first run in as a bishop with this. He began asking about the law of chastity and pornography and I answered as directly as I could. It was so excruciatingly painful. He then asked if I wouldn't mind meeting with him again before having a temple interview so that he could process this. In my mind I was screaming "Hell no!" but I said it was okay. He set it up for me to meet again that Sunday after church. That mean't I had from Thursday and Sunday to go over all the possible scenarios that could be played out. Basically it was the weekend from Hell.
Outed by a Friend
Okay so this title basically sums it up...sorta. The Sunday that my fate would be decided by my bishop I was texting my friend Art about the situation during Sunday School. The Wednesday before Art had left for seven weeks to Virginia to work for EFY. I was explaining how I was cornered into telling the bishop I was gay. The next text I got from him was an apology. Art had told the bishop my situation earlier in an interview he had. He had told the bishop to get advice for himself and his life and how to deal with my being gay. So the bishop already knew and just wanted me to admit it to him. That's why the bishop didn't seem surprised when I told him! I initially couldn't fully process what had happened and just felt betrayed. But I've moved on from it. I told Art that next time he should say "a friend" instead of outing someone to their priesthood authority.
Before I move on I want to make it clear that Art is really an amazing friend, he just wasn't thinking when he did what he did, and he has apologized many time for it and I forgive him. Accidents and stupid mistakes happen and we move on.
Decision Time
With only an hour between finding out that Art outed me to the bishop and my interview I was a nervous wreck. I left Sunday School early to go process and glazed through Elders Quorum and then it was time to meet bishop. Well, needless to say it was all okay. My panic had been in vain and the bishop had researched and said that as long as I was temple worthy my sexual orientation didn't matter. He actually kept commending me for the integrity of my spirit. I don't know how to take a compliment like that. Anyway we went through the interview, I got my recommend, and left. Thank goodness I only have to go through that kind of hell every two years.
Oh, and during that interview I asked to be released from my calling as Elders Quorum instructor (I couldn't stand up there and teach something that I personally am wrestling with. I felt hypocritical) and told him that I would be leaving the ward in a week. We didn't technically live in the ward boundaries, it's a complicated story. So I'm gonna go to the ward that I'm suppose to. My sister Louise attends that ward and I've come out to her so it'll be nice to have someone who understands things.
p.s. the Stake interview went much smoother.
Working Through It
The next two weeks were spent working through my feelings of being outed by Art and hanging out with my family as they all came in for Marcus' wedding. I even ran the Provo Freedom Festival 5k on the 5th with my family. I waited on writing about some things till I had worked through them myself. Anyway, it's been a crazy chaotic nerve wracking, and fun two weeks.
So that's what's been going on in my life.
Showing posts with label EFY. Show all posts
Showing posts with label EFY. Show all posts
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Mistake
In beginning this story I need to explain two important things:
1- For the last four summers I have worked for EFY, the LDS churches youth program. I loved every minute of my experience there and felt that I had a lot to contribute to these youth who were struggling. In some way, I feel my certain circumstances as a closeted gay man gave me a understanding of the struggles these youth deal with involving feelings of negative self worth, guilt from sin, and the unnecessary self-inflicted guilt and shame that many youth carry. I’ll probably say more about EFY another day.
2- It’s also important to know that this blog was created out of necessity. I actually have another blog that I update as well using a different profile. My other blog was created out of expression. I wanted a place where I could create and show off various few tidbits about myself with family and friends. It’s a place where my family can see what I choose to show them about what is going on in my life. There are very personal thoughts and ideas that I have expressed on that blog, but I couldn’t express this one part of me. That’s where this blog has come in. Like I said before this blog was created out of necessity: I needed a place where I could put down those ideas and thoughts about being gay that I am only slowly revealing to some of my family and friends (and of course anyone else in the world who takes an interest. I love all my readers). I hope to one day combine the two blogs, but I am not at that point yet.
So, now to my mistake. I have a ton of blogs that I follow both publicly and by using Google Reader. (If you don’t use this you NEED to, it’s one of the greatest things Google has done) Last Wednesday I was signed in on my other profiles Google Reader and was reading one of my EFY friend’s blogs. She mentioned me in a funny way and I decided to comment on her blog. So I went to her posts site and left a comment. The minute I hit post I realized that although my Google Reader account was signed into one profile Blogger was signed into this account. I freaked out and deleted the comment. Blogger only deleted the words of the comment, not the link to this profile. I quickly reposted using my other account, but that link to this profile was permanently placed on her blog. Anyone who read her posts comments would be able to link over to this blog.
I freaked out. The only thing I could think to do was delete this blog, or leave it as is. After a bit of debate I realized that I could not delete this blog. I love it too much. It’s where I get to express all of who I really am. So I left it, knowing that any of my EFY friends or others could now read my blog…if they dared. I was really nervous. Worst case scenarios kept creeping into my head of friends lost, or telling everyone else and ostracizing me. Anyway, I came to the conclusion that this blog is genuine enough that if anyone who really cared about me read it they would be understanding of my situation, or they really weren’t my friends (besides how many people read all the comments on other peoples blogs).
Overall nothing bad has happened yet. I don’t know who all looked at my profile, and I wonder about the girl whose blog it was. I did have one amazing friend who texted me the next day and said he’d read this blog. He expressed sympathy for my situation and an open ear if I need to talk. I was really grateful for that. I am grateful that classy people like him still exist in the world; it’s a whole lot better off because of them.
1- For the last four summers I have worked for EFY, the LDS churches youth program. I loved every minute of my experience there and felt that I had a lot to contribute to these youth who were struggling. In some way, I feel my certain circumstances as a closeted gay man gave me a understanding of the struggles these youth deal with involving feelings of negative self worth, guilt from sin, and the unnecessary self-inflicted guilt and shame that many youth carry. I’ll probably say more about EFY another day.
Four name tags for four years of EFY
2- It’s also important to know that this blog was created out of necessity. I actually have another blog that I update as well using a different profile. My other blog was created out of expression. I wanted a place where I could create and show off various few tidbits about myself with family and friends. It’s a place where my family can see what I choose to show them about what is going on in my life. There are very personal thoughts and ideas that I have expressed on that blog, but I couldn’t express this one part of me. That’s where this blog has come in. Like I said before this blog was created out of necessity: I needed a place where I could put down those ideas and thoughts about being gay that I am only slowly revealing to some of my family and friends (and of course anyone else in the world who takes an interest. I love all my readers). I hope to one day combine the two blogs, but I am not at that point yet.
So, now to my mistake. I have a ton of blogs that I follow both publicly and by using Google Reader. (If you don’t use this you NEED to, it’s one of the greatest things Google has done) Last Wednesday I was signed in on my other profiles Google Reader and was reading one of my EFY friend’s blogs. She mentioned me in a funny way and I decided to comment on her blog. So I went to her posts site and left a comment. The minute I hit post I realized that although my Google Reader account was signed into one profile Blogger was signed into this account. I freaked out and deleted the comment. Blogger only deleted the words of the comment, not the link to this profile. I quickly reposted using my other account, but that link to this profile was permanently placed on her blog. Anyone who read her posts comments would be able to link over to this blog.
I freaked out. The only thing I could think to do was delete this blog, or leave it as is. After a bit of debate I realized that I could not delete this blog. I love it too much. It’s where I get to express all of who I really am. So I left it, knowing that any of my EFY friends or others could now read my blog…if they dared. I was really nervous. Worst case scenarios kept creeping into my head of friends lost, or telling everyone else and ostracizing me. Anyway, I came to the conclusion that this blog is genuine enough that if anyone who really cared about me read it they would be understanding of my situation, or they really weren’t my friends (besides how many people read all the comments on other peoples blogs).
Overall nothing bad has happened yet. I don’t know who all looked at my profile, and I wonder about the girl whose blog it was. I did have one amazing friend who texted me the next day and said he’d read this blog. He expressed sympathy for my situation and an open ear if I need to talk. I was really grateful for that. I am grateful that classy people like him still exist in the world; it’s a whole lot better off because of them.
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