Amazing Movie

So yesterday was a bit emotional for me and I may have sounded a bit desperate yesterday. One of the reasons I was feeling that way was because of a movie I had seen. I just got the movie Bear Cub from my Netflix yesterday.

Wow, it's an amazing movie. I love watching foreign films and this one was outstandingly made. It really tried to show a new story for gays that still brings up many issues that surround being gay. I was impacted most by the fact that the characters in the film are surrounded by people that accept them for who they are. This is a movie that anyone reading this blog could watch and enjoy...and the main character is cute beyond compare.

A Rant

I can’t stand it anymore. The silence is killing me. I have to tell someone that I’m gay or I’m going to explode. I thought about my brother M but how much can I really trust him. He’s the most liberal minded of my 9 siblings, but I don’t know if he’d be concerned enough to tell my parents, and I don’t want that. I just want someone to talk to about my situation. I hate having this secret and I really want to know what I can do about it. I just wish I had someone to talk to about my problems; my conscience just suggested God, but that feels like a one-sided conversation. Uhg! It’s tearing me up inside.

I've started to hate myself, my image, my life. Everything wrong in my life I punish myself with by blaming it on being gay. I've come to hate everything that really makes up the core of who I am. I feel like such a hypocrite. I live in the heart of Utah Valley and I don’t know any other gay people. I mean I’m aware that they’re out there but I personally have no gay friends. The few I've met in school I don't feel enough to to really share with them my feelings.

That's not the only issue I’m dealing with is that I am not the stereotypical gay man. When people around me think of gay men they don’t see the Bearish 25 year old 270 lbs redhead in front of them, no they envision this skinny twink that is effeminate and every girl’s best friend. (Okay so the girl’s best friend part fits me to a T). And I’m attracted to other hairy large men. I understand that there are Bears out there but I don’t know where. I don’t even know what I would do if I found one since I have no dating experience. None! I get set up by family with girls that are so nice and sweet but who I have no attraction for, so I never have progressed beyond maybe 2 dates since I don’t feel right leading them on.

I just feel like I have no one to talk to who understand me and what I’m going through. I’m sick of feeling alone and helpless. I’m sick of sitting at home because I have no one who really understands me. I’m sick of never being able to fully open up to anyone. I just want someone to talk to. I hope that by creating this blog I might find someone out there who can relate to me.

Sorry I didn't mean to whine like that. I guess I'm just having a bad day.