Telling the 'Rents: Having the Convo...

You know those conversations where one subject leads to another in a smooth transition and you feel like many things were talked about and progress was made...

Yeah, my talk with my parents wasn't like that at all.

I went home and we ate dinner. I tried to keep it all pretty casual during the meal, as if it was any other time I'd come to dinner. Of course the whole time I was freaking out about how and what was going to happen. 

After dinner I asked if we could go into the living room to talk. I sat down on our couch and the room felt expansive. I felt like they were sitting fifty feet away from me, in reality it was like ten, max. I explained that one of my goals this year has been to work on honesty. Being honest and true with myself and with others. "Part of that is wanting to be completely honest with you too as well. Which is why I feel like it is important for you to know that I am gay."

My parents go silent. My mother leans back in her rocking chair like she's been shoved back by the words. My father stares at the ground for a moment that feels like five minutes. Awkward silence fills the room.

My dad finally speaks, "What does that mean?"

I think to myself that they really should know what it means. "It means that I am attracted to men instead of women." It's only later that the true meaning of his question comes to me. He wanted to know what that meant for me and my future, what are the consequences and challenges that I am going to face because of this, and what have I decided already to do with this information. But, at the time all I could hear was the shock and weight this information was having on my parents.

The whole rest of the night was filled with these awkward silences and a feeling that things were not processing or resolving in my parents mind. It was not the horrible scenario nor the wonderful reaction I had planned on. In a way is was very real and very complex. My parents were generally taken for surprise, although my mom said she thought it might be what I going to talk about, she had hoped she was wrong. I answered the few questions they asked, most of the time was spent in silence letting it all soak in. My parents both expressed love for me and empathized with my situation. 

I explained to them that I was still trying to figure things out about what my future would hold and the life decisions I was going to make. I was intentionally vague about my relationship with God and the church, one giant shock to reality at a time. That conversation will have to wait, but I did let them know that I had a temple recommend from a Bishop who knew I was gay. I excluded telling them that I've only been to the temple once since getting it and that was for my brother's wedding. 

When it came to understanding what the churches position on homosexuality was I was shocked and amazed to find that they really didn't know it at all. It was clear that part of the whole  problem with processing this info hinged on their lack of knowledge about what the church thought about it. It wasn't just the churches. They really needed to get to understand the concept of homosexuality in many other ways. I was taken back by all that.

My mom cried and bore her testimony. I shared how difficult it was trying to live in the closet and how it filled me feelings or worthlessness and guilt that I feel has been relieved since coming out to myself. My father shared with me how he knows about my potential in life to succeed in whatever I tackled, no matter what choices. these were the small nice parts of the evening. They were surrounded by awkwardness and feelings of un-resolution. 

After two hours of talking it was clear that we all needed to take a break and let things settle. I said I was going to go and my father suggested we have family prayer. I was apprehensive but knew that even speaking out loud can help resolved and comfort. We said a prayer and they gave me a hug and that was it.

I left my home that night not able to understand all the feelings and emotions that were expressed. Did it really just happen. Was that it. There is no turning back.

Over the next week I talked a bit more with my parents and they're coming along. It's gradual but they're trying to understand it all. It has been nice to not have to hide such a large part of me with the two most important people in the world to me.

I Finally Did It

I finally did it. I told my parents. I'll blog about it later after it all sinks in.

A Conversation With Self

I took a walk and had a talk with my 22 year old self last night. It was quite an experrience. It was interesting to see where I still had such simular ideas about religion and my sexuality, two of the most important things in my life right now, but also astounding to see how far I've come and how much I've changed.

22 year old me shared a lot, more than he would have with anyone else. In talking to him all the feelings and emotions of my mission, my testimony, and my faith in God were brought back in vivid remembrance. He's much stronger in the gospel than I am now, but still is able to approach situations with logic, caution, and a pure desire for happiness.

I tried to give my 22 year old self advice. To prepare him for the future and explain my current situation. Some of it he took in. There were other parts that it was clear he was not ready for nor wanting to hear. He's not ready to come out to anyone, but he's facing life with an understanding and clarity that I admire so dearly.

I hope and pray that my 22 year old self maintains the qualities that I admire in him. Perhaps his future will be different than my present. But I know I've gained more perspective due to the small walk and talk I had with my 22 year old self.

Refusing Callings

Today, for the first time in my life, I refused a calling offered to me. In some ways, I feel awful about it, but in reality I feel much more relief. The first counselor ward was going to call me to be a ward missionary. Right after saying it he says, “Now you’re probably thinking to yourself ‘What would a ward missionary do in a BYU ward.’”

I stared back at him and bluntly said, “Actually… that is not what’s going on in my head at all. I’m just not going to be able to accept that calling.”

I just know that I couldn’t have that calling. In my previous ward I had to ask to be removed as Elders Quorum instructor because I couldn’t stand up and testify of the gospel without having too many conflicting emotions wash over me. It’s not that I don’t believe or have some testimony of the gospel, it’s more that all the emotions and sadness that come with accepting the fate of never being able to find someone I can share eternity with wash over and flood my mind every time I do bear testimony now. Then it just hurts too much. I know if I couldn’t deal with that kind of emotional pressure every time I tried to fulfill my calling.

I understand the idea that some callings are more for the individual who is called than for the people I would affect, but I can’t take that right now. Maybe this would help me to sort out these ideas and find where I fit in all this, but more likely it will just make me more upset and guilt ridden.

When I moved to this new ward I was hoping to be able to move in with a clean slate; to just blend in with everyone else in the ward. But now my bishopric knows that I’m dealing with some issues. They don’t know what, thankfully, but I’m now under their awareness radars.

Marcus, my brother, said people refuse callings all the time. He just never said how hard it is to actually go out and do it, especially if you’re trying to avoid actually telling them the issues you’re facing. It’s hard to maneuver through those probing questions, even if they’re trying to not do it.

The first counselor was really trying to accept and be understanding of my issues (without actually knowing what they were). I told him I was temple worthy, but that there were some ideas and doctrines I was working through. He gave me the whole schpeel about how our testimony is like a wall of bricks: sometimes there are doctrines of the gospel that we don’t understand. These are like bricks that don’t fit. Instead of throwing them away or giving up on the wall we need to set them aside and move on to other things. Those bricks will fit somewhere later on.

In my case, this is a load of crap. I can’t just set these feeling aside. I can’t set this part of me, that I have just begun to accept, and that has given me so much happiness lately aside; maybe other doctrines, but not this one. It just doesn’t work. So I had to refuse this calling.

I feel really good about my refusal though. I feel it’s better to refuse than to accept the calling and avoid doing anything with it. Then you’re shirking on something you agreed to do. I’ve done that before and it always feels like you’re letting people down.

Anyway, what do you all in the MoHo blog-o-sphere think about refusing callings? Is it justifiable?

So Much Stuff...

too little time.

Okay, so a ton of things have happened lately that I felt I should blog about, but I didn't. Sorry. I am such a slacker right now. Anyway, these should all be different blog posts but I'm doing them all at once. Oh, I've given them titles just for the fun of it.

Wedded Bliss
My brother Marcus got married to Sarah on Saturday. (Marcus totally married up 'cause Sarah is AMAZING!) So I was able to attend their temple ceremony and everything else. This was my first wedding I've been to in the temple. It was really nice and I was amazed at the simplicity of it all. Of course, as the sealer was explaining to Marcus and Sarah the importance of their matrimony I couldn't help but think if I will ever be able to experience marriage. If so, it won't be in the temple, and it would be with a guy. Enough of the pity party, the wedding was awesome and I am so happy for them.

Cornered by the Bishop
Now I almost didn't get to the temple ceremony because I had to renew my temple recommend two weeks ago. So, I set up the interview as usual and go into to meet with my bishop on a Thursday during my 15 minute alloted time. He sits me down and explains that my roommate Art had told him that I had been going through some troubles. So I try to tiptoe around the subject and explain that I'm trying to understand and work through some doctrinal issues. My bishop then asks for specifics. He's not letting me settle with generalities. By this time I feel cornered, and on edge and decide that there is no other way of avoiding it so I tell him that I'm gay. I hadn't planned on it and didn't want to tell him but I was very straight with him (pun intended) and laid it all out there.

First off, he didn't seemed shocked, but he did seem like this was his first run in as a bishop with this. He began asking about the law of chastity and pornography and I answered as directly as I could. It was so excruciatingly painful. He then asked if I wouldn't mind meeting with him again before having a temple interview so that he could process this. In my mind I was screaming "Hell no!" but I said it was okay. He set it up for me to meet again that Sunday after church. That mean't I had from Thursday and Sunday to go over all the possible scenarios that could be played out. Basically it was the weekend from Hell.

Outed by a Friend
Okay so this title basically sums it up...sorta. The Sunday that my fate would be decided by my bishop I was texting my friend Art about the situation during Sunday School. The Wednesday before Art had left for seven weeks to Virginia to work for EFY. I was explaining how I was cornered into telling the bishop I was gay. The next text I got from him was an apology. Art had told the bishop my situation earlier in an interview he had. He had told the bishop to get advice for himself and his life and how to deal with my being gay. So the bishop already knew and just wanted me to admit it to him. That's why the bishop didn't seem surprised when I told him! I initially couldn't fully process what had happened and just felt betrayed. But I've moved on from it. I told Art that next time he should say "a friend" instead of outing someone to their priesthood authority.

Before I move on I want to make it clear that Art is really an amazing friend, he just wasn't thinking when he did what he did, and he has apologized many time for it and I forgive him. Accidents and stupid mistakes happen and we move on.

Decision Time
With only an hour between finding out that Art outed me to the bishop and my interview I was a nervous wreck. I left Sunday School early to go process and glazed through Elders Quorum and then it was time to meet bishop. Well, needless to say it was all okay. My panic had been in vain and the bishop had researched and said that as long as I was temple worthy my sexual orientation didn't matter. He actually kept commending me for the integrity of my spirit. I don't know how to take a compliment like that. Anyway we went through the interview, I got my recommend, and left. Thank goodness I only have to go through that kind of hell every two years.

Oh, and during that interview I asked to be released from my calling as Elders Quorum instructor (I couldn't stand up there and teach something that I personally am wrestling with. I felt hypocritical) and told him that I would be leaving the ward in a week. We didn't technically live in the ward boundaries, it's a complicated story. So I'm gonna go to the ward that I'm suppose to. My sister Louise attends that ward and I've come out to her so it'll be nice to have someone who understands things.

p.s. the Stake interview went much smoother.

Working Through It
The next two weeks were spent working through my feelings of being outed by Art and hanging out with my family as they all came in for Marcus' wedding. I even ran the Provo Freedom Festival 5k on the 5th with my family. I waited on writing about some things till I had worked through them myself. Anyway, it's been a crazy chaotic nerve wracking, and fun two weeks.

So that's what's been going on in my life.

Sabbath Day

For the past few months it has been a real struggle for me to get up on Sunday and go to church (and my church starts at one). I feel I've lost some of the desire and motivation to get myself there every Sunday. I find myself debating whether or not I should go, and until recently I have mainly gone to seem alright to my roommate Art. Now that he knows what's going on with me I don't even have that as a motivation. 

Ever since coming out to myself and accepting my homosexuality as a real part of me it's gotten harder to go each week. When I finally do go to church I feel almost left out in an eternal perspective from all the talks, lessons, and discussions. I see even more now how certain religious themes and ideas are prevalent in everything we Mormons do and say. I'm not bitter towards the church or anything, but I do feel there are eternal goals that everyone in church is aiming for and centers their teachings around that I will never be a part of; Eternal marriage, celestial glory, and raising a family for instance. These goals were once a huge part of myself, but now I question if any of them are still attainable to me.

My outward actions so far have not changed, but inwardly all my perceptions and motivations are changing and I don't know what to do and how to feel. 

My brother Marcus recently asked in reference to the church if I was "coming or going?" and I really didn't know how to answer. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a definite emotional push toward "going" but part of me still wants to remain. I cannot say that I believe the church is not true. I use to teach and put trust in the fact that "the church of Jesus Christ is for everyone." In a way I still believe that, but I wonder if I am ready and willing to choose to be a part of something that I feel left out from; or from something that leaves me with unachievable eternal goals. I know that at some point I am going to have to make a decision...I just don't know what that will be.

Crazy Weekend

This weekend was crazy. I went with my whole extended family camping Friday to Saturday. It was awesome to be outside enjoying this amazing summer weather. I love my extended family. Basically all you need is food and you have a party with these people.I loved it.

I was suppose to run/walk a 5k with one of my brothers and sister-in-law on Saturday, but it was cancelled due to some health issues with my nephew (he's doing better now). So instead I was able to stay up at the camp for another relaxing day.

Then on Sunday I had a fabulous time at the Utah Pride Festival. It was so amazing to be surrounded by so many gay people and supporters. I was able to see the parade and all the cute guys that came with it. Man there were a lot of cute guys there! It was awesome. Later my brother Marcus' fiancée Sarah joined me at the festival. Marcus said he would have come if it weren't for the fact that he's living in Indonesia right now, so he messaged me the whole time instead. It was really cool to have some family support there. We were able to see some of the entertainment (there is something about a drag show that makes me all joyful inside) and enjoy the festivities. I really had a good time and felt so great afterwards. 

Then yesterday, yes I'm counting Monday as part of my weekend, I came out to my roommate Art. This was totally unexpected and surprising. I had planned on coming out to him once I had moved out of our apartment because I wasn't sure how he'd take it. I had even made a mental pros and cons list for if I should come out to him:

Cons- You never know how someone will react, his life is firmly centered in the gospel and Mormonism, he's the kinda guy who loves to shop and read books from Deseret Book, he is going to be a seminary teacher in the fall and I have had problems with other seminary teachers, I don't want him to feel awkward or uncomfortable in his own apartment.

Pros- He is my best friend of all time, he has shared many personal things with me under confidence, he has two gay uncles that he's talked about with me, he shares my concern and understands my distaste of aspects of Mormon Culture, we've had many conversations about homosexuality and Mormonism.

In the end the list was thrown out as the circumstances just lead to me telling him. I got home yesterday from doing yard work for my grandpa for ten hours and all I wanted was to go to a sit down restaurant with my friend. So that's what we did. At dinner he was asking me about my life. He'd noticed that I was in a slump and was genuinely asking me how I was doing. I don't get that a lot from him (I usually tell him before he asks) so it felt nice to have him notice. I told him I was in a state of "transition" and that I was scared of where things were going in my life. He sympathized with me and we continued to talk with vague references to things.

 When we finished eating and were driving home he once again genuinely asked to know what my problems were. I couldn't hold it in any longer. So I told him that I was gay. 

Side note: You know every time I say the words "I'm gay" to someone for the first time they feel so plain. I don't know why, but I always expect more of a revelation or intense feeling to come with those words but if doesn't. The feelings come later as we talk about it more, but the initial statement seems so blah to me compared to everything else.

Well, I guess you never can expect how people will react. To me it seemed as if he took it so natural. Like if I had said "I have red hair" or something obvious and normal. I guess I had been prepping him for this for a while. Later he mentioned that he had thought about asking me if I was gay. The guy has lived with me for 3 years and we served in the same mission, it makes sense that he'd have some inkling about my sexuality. 

As our conversation continued I was just so happy to feel the true friendship between us. He was absolutely supportive and understanding. He made it very clear that our friendship isn't built on our connection to the church but on who we are as people. It was awesome. Before yesterday I hated having to hide a part of who I was from my best friend, now I'm just happy to have a roommate who is understanding of my situation and won't judge me if one Sunday I just don't feel like going to church, or any other type of situation that comes around. He's an awesome guy and he's gonna make some girl really lucky one day.

Pride

Yesterday I got on the interwebs because I wanted to see when the Utah Pride Festival was happening. I don’t really know much about Pride and I want to understand what it’s all about. I do know that it involves taking pride and standing up for who you are as a LGBT person. This is something I’m trying to improve about myself as I get my act together. Someone at one point had told me that Utah Pride was in June and I thought I might go check it out. I found out that it’s on June 4-6. I was a little disappointed; I have a family party on the 4th and am run/walking a 5k on the 5th so I won’t be able to attend the festival.

Here’s a link to their website: Utah Pride Festival 2010

But, while I was looking yesterday I saw that there was a movie being screened last night to start the festival off called Beyond Gay: The Politics of Pride up in Salt Lake. Here is the trailer:


Beyond Gay Trailer from Big Gay Movie on Vimeo.


After watching the trailer I decided that if I couldn't go to pride, I could at least see this movie and learn what it’s all about. I really didn’t know what to expect when I got there, but I felt like it was something I wanted to do. This would be my first time going to a public Gay event and I was very nervous. I wished I had someone to go with me, but being alone was not going to keep me from attending. When I got there I was even more nervous. My hands were shaking and my heart was racing. I scanned the room looking at all the people till suddenly I saw a familiar face. There was my friend Shawn from school. I saw him and decided to go say hello. Shaw has always been openly gay in our classes and he was surprised to see me there, and even more surprise to find out I was gay (he had called me out on it about a year ago. I was denying it to myself at the time so I denied it to him as well). Shawn was there with his boyfriend and invited me to sit with them.

The movie was amazing! It was so moving to see these people in countries where it is illegal to hold a pride event or even to be homosexual. Amidst all their struggles they are willing to stand up for their beliefs and hold pride events. The movie also shows the history of Pride and how it has evolved through time. It made me realize that there is more to Pride than I had thought. It’s far more political, and far more important for human rights than I had thought. After the movie screening there was a panel discussion with one of the producers of the film and the two directors of the Utah Pride Festival were they talked further about Pride and about Utah’s festival.

After the movie I decided that I need to show my support for Pride. Like I said before, I will not make it on the 4th and 5th, but that Sunday is when the Pride Parade will be happening, and I want to be there to show my support. I won’t lie and say I’m not nervous about going, and I’ll probably be going by myself again, but I feel that this is something important for the community as a whole and me as an individual. It’ll be fun, and I’m excited to see what it’s all about.

Family Ties

Sorry for not blogging lately. I had final papers and then took a bit of a break to recuperate. Anyway, I love this movie:

I recently found this video on YouTube and thought it was hilarious. I think it the way she says “he’s a gay man now!” with that accent that makes me just giggle. And my favorite scene is when Jon’s mother is showing him all the magazine pictures of men and talking about how hot they are. Even writing about it makes me laugh and giggle.

That being said, the movie reminded me also of a real concern I’ve been thinking about. I really don’t know how my family will react to me coming out, but I have a feeling that most will not be interested, nor want to hear about my dating life after finding out. I know it’s not a huge concern, but it’s really been troubling me lately.

Currently, I hate having to tell them that I’m not dating anyone because “I just haven’t found anyone I’m really attracted to right now” while thinking, “that you’d want to hear about.” I really appreciate them asking me about it. It shows that they have love and concern for me and that they really are interested in my life. It’s flattering to think that my sister knows girls she’d like to set me up on, even though I’ve never gone beyond a first date with any of them. And usually they’re really good matches, except the fact that I’m not attracted to them like that. At least I know that she wants me to be happy and wants to be involved in my life. Will that change when they find out I’m gay? I can’t imagine that same sister trying to set me up with a man ever. Yet I long to be able to talk openly and freely about my real relationships with other people.

Maybe I’m being a bit superficial, and maybe I’m jumping the gun a bit since I haven’t come out to them yet, but I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s scary at time to consider how a huge part of my world is going to be turned upside down.

Anyway….I don’t like ending on a depressing note so…. “Did you hear about our John? He’s a gay man now!” …giggles.

A Crossroads

Well, it’s been a crazy emotional week since I last blogged and I feel like I’ve come quite a way. I guess I could say that the night I wrote my first blog post I had hit rock bottom. I has spent all of my spring break vacation sitting alone in my apartment trying to understand who I was and what I could do. Obviously I had had all these thoughts before, but never with such intensity. I was at my breaking point and didn’t know what to do. That night I decided I had to find someone I could just talk to. I needed someone who’d listen, empathize, and counsel without any judgments.

The next day I called my brother Marcus. Marcus currently lives in Oklahoma and is the most liberal and understanding of my siblings. He’s even at times joked and said, “You know you can tell me if you’re gay.” To others it would seem like a harmless joke, but we both knew he meant it seriously if I were ever ready. We talked for hours and tears were shed and love was shared. It was really nice to know that he supports me in whatever I choose to do.

This experience helped me make a choice. After coming out to Marcus I felt my emotional weight lighten. In coming out to him, I have made a choice. No more wallowing in self denial and guilt for something I cannot control. I can now make steps towards really understanding who I am and what I want in life. I still looking at and trying to understand my personal religious, social, and moral beliefs. And I know that it is going to take a while, but it’s far better than being in the state I was a week ago. I’ve accepted my homosexuality and now I have to understand what comes with that. I know I have a long way to go still. There are a lot of things I need to figure out, but I am optimistic for the future.

As I think about this week and the decisions I’ll be making in the future a song comes into my head. I recently re-heard it at a friend’s talent show and now I can’t get it out of my head. Part of it goes:

I don't know where I belong

But I'll be moving on

If you don't

If you won't

Listen

To the song here in my heart

A melody I start but I will complete

Oh now I'm done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling

I'm more than what you made of me

I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I've got to find my own

My own...

This is how I feel. I am alone at a crossroads and I am now excited to find my own way, and accept me for who I am. Like I said before, this has been an emotional week for me.