Prayer

I know it's been a while since I've blogged but I was thinking today about prayer and I was hoping to get some input and thoughts about it.

Up until I created this blog I can honestly say that prayer was an important part of my day. I can't say that my prayers were always heartfelt and sincere, but at least I would make an effort to pray and hope that my prayers were answered. I followed the structured prayers that I had taught as a missionary ( you know, address God, give thanks, ask for needs and desires, close in the name of Christ). I felt at the time that prayer was important in building a relationship with God, but even then I struggled to feel this relationship forming at times, so I'd try harder to be sincere in my prayers and work on this relationship.

When I finally began to come out of the closet and wrestle with the ideas of being both Mormon and gay I stopped praying completely. This was about 6 months ago. I felt as if I needed to take a break from my relationship with God and try and figure some things out. I felt that my sincere prayers for most of my life to have my homosexuality controlled and removed were a waste. I began to wonder if God was even out there and hearing my prayers, and if he even cared. Were my prayers just me trying to make a relationship with someone that didn't exist, or just didn't reciprocate the message back?

Now, I do feel and hold on to hope that God does exist. I believe that there is goodness in Mormonism, but I also feel that the rigid structure of the religion can help many people, but for me it was holding me back from happiness and well being in this life. I like to consider myself a "less active" member by choice. 

Now when I pray, it's more a meditation of ideas. I don't want to adhere to any type of form of prayer. It comes more as I ponder things in my mind. It's not a prepared statement to some person, but a jumble of ideas to figure out. I don't expect any communication from God, but would love it, and I cannot deny that other prayers of mine have been answered. if he does answer me I'm pleased with that. 

So, now I'm wondering (and I'd love some input on this) it's okay to pray for things that I want that aren't always in line with Mormon teachings. I've been taught all my life that I should pray to find that woman I could marry and go to the temple with. Now that prayer is just not practical for me. I'd rather pray for things I really do want and are achievable in my life. So what do you think? Is it okay for me to pray to God that I meet a man to date and have a relationship with?

Telling the 'Rents: Having the Convo...

You know those conversations where one subject leads to another in a smooth transition and you feel like many things were talked about and progress was made...

Yeah, my talk with my parents wasn't like that at all.

I went home and we ate dinner. I tried to keep it all pretty casual during the meal, as if it was any other time I'd come to dinner. Of course the whole time I was freaking out about how and what was going to happen. 

After dinner I asked if we could go into the living room to talk. I sat down on our couch and the room felt expansive. I felt like they were sitting fifty feet away from me, in reality it was like ten, max. I explained that one of my goals this year has been to work on honesty. Being honest and true with myself and with others. "Part of that is wanting to be completely honest with you too as well. Which is why I feel like it is important for you to know that I am gay."

My parents go silent. My mother leans back in her rocking chair like she's been shoved back by the words. My father stares at the ground for a moment that feels like five minutes. Awkward silence fills the room.

My dad finally speaks, "What does that mean?"

I think to myself that they really should know what it means. "It means that I am attracted to men instead of women." It's only later that the true meaning of his question comes to me. He wanted to know what that meant for me and my future, what are the consequences and challenges that I am going to face because of this, and what have I decided already to do with this information. But, at the time all I could hear was the shock and weight this information was having on my parents.

The whole rest of the night was filled with these awkward silences and a feeling that things were not processing or resolving in my parents mind. It was not the horrible scenario nor the wonderful reaction I had planned on. In a way is was very real and very complex. My parents were generally taken for surprise, although my mom said she thought it might be what I going to talk about, she had hoped she was wrong. I answered the few questions they asked, most of the time was spent in silence letting it all soak in. My parents both expressed love for me and empathized with my situation. 

I explained to them that I was still trying to figure things out about what my future would hold and the life decisions I was going to make. I was intentionally vague about my relationship with God and the church, one giant shock to reality at a time. That conversation will have to wait, but I did let them know that I had a temple recommend from a Bishop who knew I was gay. I excluded telling them that I've only been to the temple once since getting it and that was for my brother's wedding. 

When it came to understanding what the churches position on homosexuality was I was shocked and amazed to find that they really didn't know it at all. It was clear that part of the whole  problem with processing this info hinged on their lack of knowledge about what the church thought about it. It wasn't just the churches. They really needed to get to understand the concept of homosexuality in many other ways. I was taken back by all that.

My mom cried and bore her testimony. I shared how difficult it was trying to live in the closet and how it filled me feelings or worthlessness and guilt that I feel has been relieved since coming out to myself. My father shared with me how he knows about my potential in life to succeed in whatever I tackled, no matter what choices. these were the small nice parts of the evening. They were surrounded by awkwardness and feelings of un-resolution. 

After two hours of talking it was clear that we all needed to take a break and let things settle. I said I was going to go and my father suggested we have family prayer. I was apprehensive but knew that even speaking out loud can help resolved and comfort. We said a prayer and they gave me a hug and that was it.

I left my home that night not able to understand all the feelings and emotions that were expressed. Did it really just happen. Was that it. There is no turning back.

Over the next week I talked a bit more with my parents and they're coming along. It's gradual but they're trying to understand it all. It has been nice to not have to hide such a large part of me with the two most important people in the world to me.

Telling the 'Rents: Preparing Myself

Text from messages Monday afternoon-


Me: Hey mom what are you guys doing tonight?
Mom: Not much.
Me: When will dad be home I wanted to talk to you about something.
Mom: Six.
Me: Cool. I'll come by around then.
Mom: Wanna come for dinner?
Me: Sure.


It was so simple. I had set up my coming out. There was no turning back. I had been thinking about talking to my parents for the last month. I've been having many conversations with friends and family about homosexuality or my dating life recently. In all these conversations I just wanted to be completely honest with them, but restrained myself. I had been feeling that before I tell anyone else I'm gay I need to tell the two most important people in my life. So I made a goal on Sunday Oct. 31 to tell them before the week was up, and here I was Monday Nov. 1 getting ready to tell them.


I didn't have a note for them to read. I didn't prepare a speech. I didn't have anyone in particular for them to meet. I didn't have any of those things. I didn't even have a solid plan for how I'd tell them. What I had was a desire to share this part of me with my father and mother. There were some points I wanted to make sure I told them but nothing solid. Oh and I also had been preparing my mind for the best and worst case scenarios. Those had been running through my mind for quite some time. I knew they were a little far fetched but couldn't stop imagining them.


Best case: My parents had been expecting this. Had looked into what the church thought about all this. They'd prepared themselves in advance and now were ready to love and accept everything that I told them with understanding. They understood and could see why I might be struggling with the church and were going to support me in whatever happened.


Worst case: They have no idea how to take this. Instead of thinking about it rationally their emotions take over. My dad cannot accept this and begins to scream and demand that I leave his house immediately. My mom is so overwhelmed that she sobs constantly and does nothing to help me pacify my father.  Because of that night I do not go home for the holidays, even though I live 30 min. away. I live estranged for at least a while from my family.


Alright, so just fyi neither of these situations seemed whole probable and both are far more than extreme for how my parents reacted.


So, with all that in mind I went home to dinner with my mom and dad.


I apologize, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed in writing this. So it seems i'll have to make this a two part post.


I'll explain more later, but for now I should let you know that things went okay. My parents still love me and are coming to terms with this all. Oh and there was a lot of awkward silence that night. I'll write more tomorrow.

I Finally Did It

I finally did it. I told my parents. I'll blog about it later after it all sinks in.

A Conversation With Self

I took a walk and had a talk with my 22 year old self last night. It was quite an experrience. It was interesting to see where I still had such simular ideas about religion and my sexuality, two of the most important things in my life right now, but also astounding to see how far I've come and how much I've changed.

22 year old me shared a lot, more than he would have with anyone else. In talking to him all the feelings and emotions of my mission, my testimony, and my faith in God were brought back in vivid remembrance. He's much stronger in the gospel than I am now, but still is able to approach situations with logic, caution, and a pure desire for happiness.

I tried to give my 22 year old self advice. To prepare him for the future and explain my current situation. Some of it he took in. There were other parts that it was clear he was not ready for nor wanting to hear. He's not ready to come out to anyone, but he's facing life with an understanding and clarity that I admire so dearly.

I hope and pray that my 22 year old self maintains the qualities that I admire in him. Perhaps his future will be different than my present. But I know I've gained more perspective due to the small walk and talk I had with my 22 year old self.

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

This is the question I've been asking myself. Seriously!

Let me explain. So around August my life was going pretty good. You probably didn't know it (because I didn't write it) but I've been without a job for the last year and a half. My whole last year I was "focusing on school" when in reality I was just having fun and enjoying life as I began to let myself breath. I started this blog. I began to exercise. Things were looking great. After school I began to look for a job and it took till August, but I got one. So I started working. I had come out to some family and freinds, and things were really looking up.

Well, in September my grandma asked me to move out of her apartment. Oh, did I forget to mention I've lived in my grandma's basement for the past 2 years. It's a whole separate apartment and I had a roommate and everything. Anyway my cousin is getting married this month so my grandma asked me to move out so that they could move in after getting hitched. I was totally okay with this since Art, my roommate was moving out for the fall anyway. So I spent like two weeks looking for an apartment and working full time. It was crazy and hectic and nothing seemed to be exactly what I wanted. I wanted to find like a basement apartment or condo or something that had a single room at a fair price. I was avoiding looking at any BYU housing complexes.

Finally, the day before I needed to be out of my grandmas I gave up my search, went to the BYU housing apartment complex Art had moved into, and signed a contract.

So here I am. In an apartment with 3 BYU students. Feeling like I have regressed in some way from where I was in August.

According to my contract I have to live BYU standards to remain living here. Technically I'm already dancing the line with my beard since that's not part of the dress code, but if someone finds out I'm gay I'll have to deal with all that crap, possibly even being kicked out of the complex.

I'm not gonna lie, grandma's was intense. I loved her and being so close, but it was tough. She was always all up in my business. She never came down to visit our apartment, but if friends came over, the next day she'd be asking about them. She was alway telling me about the lovely girls she'd met in the temple that she wanted to fix me up with. I wanted to move out of my grandma's so that I could come out to my parents without worrying about anything happening with my housing situation. Now I feel like I've gone from one closet to another. I've been living here for about a week and I've already felt like I've betrayed myself in conversations with my roommates. I'd don't tell them I'm gay, but I don't tell them I'm not either. It's really annoying.

And now today I've been watching all the It Gets Better videos on YouTube and crying because I want things to get better. I want to start meeting other men and dating. I want to feel free and relaxed in my own apartment. I want to pursue my idea of happiness without other trying to block up or criticize my way. Instead all I've been able to do is look at my present situation and think "What have I gotten myself into?"

I really hate to end things in a depressing way, so instead I'll leave you with this. I love it for it's simplicity.

Priesthood

Written while "taking notes" during the priesthood conference.

So, I'm here at priesthood conference with my two brothers, father, uncles, and grandfather in the Marriott Center. I'm here...but I'm not here. I mainly came because it is tradition in my family for all of the men in my family to gather together and watch this session together. That, and my grandpa takes us all out for dinner every time afterwards. I didn't watch a bit of Saturdays and I really don't plan on watching much tomorrow.

It feels weird. Even before and especially after my mission I use to look forward to conference. I wanted to know what amazing things were going to happen. Now I'm just going through the motions to appease my family. I don't feel like conference is bad, or a waste. I just feel off about the whole church thing in general.

One thing that helps while sitting here for conference to start is to check out all the men gathered around me. While looking around I noticed four men my age walk in. They were dressing in polo shirts and slacks compared to the white shirts and ties everywhere else. This first drew my attention. Two especially were very tan and muscular and my immediate thought was "They're cute." followed closely by "Those two are clearly gay." As they sat down I noticed one man began to rub the others back. It was obviously a sign off affection and very personal; like all those straight couples during sacrament meeting. Not showy at all. They began to hold hands.

I guess I wasn't the only one who noticed. My brother leaned over to me and pointed them out. He didn't notice I had already seen them. "Do you think they're making a statement?" he asked. My brother has a tendency to say things without thinking. I told him that I thought that they just wanted to come to conference. It was clear to me that that was all it was.

Seeing them their together made me feel more comfortable during priesthood conference. It helped me understand that even though I don't do everything I should, and perhaps go through the motions on some things, I should and can do those things that I see as important. No matter what. I am free to make my own choices. Right now I'm choosing to get back to playing games on my phone for the next two hours. Enjoy your conference.

LoC Box Results

A apologize for this being late. I wanted to post on Sunday but kept pushing it back. Okay so two Sundays ago my bishop passed around this law of chastity box in Elders Quorum and this Sunday he attempted to address some of the questions.

I guess I was disappointed in how it all went down. Before going into what he was planning on talking about he started to answer some of the other questions that people had submitted. I was sitting on my seat waiting for him to talk about homosexuality and he just kept talking about other subjects. It was totally frustrating. 

Then he went in to what he had planned on talking about, which was when and how it's appropriate in dating to address concerns about the Law of Chastity specifically for girls to be able to address guys about pornography. It was interesting the different ideas people came up with, but as a whole I really didn't care about it.

Finally, with only two minutes left in the class he begins with, "And as for Same Gender Attraction..." yeah that's right he never used the word homosexuality or gay or anything like that. It felt like an afterthought that he just decided he would address. He talked about how it's become politicized lately. That those who have SGA are much more than that and to not let it define who you are. He then talked about how when the thoughts become a behavior then there is a problem and then it gets more complicated. Like I said, he spent maybe two minutes on the subject and didn't address anything specific. I was really disappointed, but looking back I don't know if I could have expected anything more. If he tried to answer my questions he'd be going away from doctrine and into theory. It frustrates me how vague the church is on this subject. They go into great length on many other issues, but one this one there is very little talk.

Bishop told us that he had more info on all the subjects we talked about in a document he put on our ward website. As soon as I got home I went to the computer and downloaded and read what he posted. Here is exactly how it went:

Same-Gender Attraction

•If homosexuals are about to marry & wait till matrimony to have sex, is it still breaking the Law of Chastity?

•Are the same standards for straight couples (i.e., kissing, cuddling, holding hands) allows for homosexual relationships?

•How can someone who is homosexual reconcile themselves with the idea of an Eternal Temple Marriage?

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it"

1 Corinthians 10:13

www.evergreeninternational.com

“As fellow Church members, families, and friends, we need to recognize that those attracted to the same gender face some unique restrictions regarding expression of their feelings. While same-gender attraction is real, there must be no physical expression of this attraction. The desire for physical gratification does not authorize immorality by anyone. Such feelings can be powerful, but they are never so strong as to deprive anyone of the freedom to choose worthy conduct.”

“As for why you feel as you do, I can’t answer that question. A number of factors may be involved, and they can be as different as people are different. Some things, including the cause of your feelings, we may never know in this life. But knowing why you feel as you do isn’t as important as knowing you have not transgressed. If your life is in harmony with the commandments, then you are worthy to serve in the Church, enjoy full fellowship with the members, attend the temple, and receive all the blessings of the Savior’s Atonement... You serve yourself poorly when you identify yourself primarily by your sexual feelings. That isn’t your only characteristic, so don’t give it disproportionate attention. You are first and foremost a son of God, and He loves you. What’s more, I love you. My Brethren among the General Authorities love you."

Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

“Applying the First Presidency’s distinction to the question of same-sex relationships, we should distinguish between (1) homosexual (or lesbian) “thoughts and feelings” (which should be resisted and redirected), and (2) “homosexual behavior” (which is a serious sin).”

“We should note that the words homosexual, lesbian, and gay are adjectives to describe particular thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. We should refrain from using these words as nouns to identify particular conditions or specific persons. Our religious doctrine dictates this usage. It is wrong to use these words to denote a condition, because this implies that a person is consigned by birth to a circumstance in which he or she has no choice in respect to the critically important matter of sexual behavior.”

“Feelings are another matter. Some kinds of feelings seem to be inborn. Others are traceable to mortal experiences. Still other feelings seem to be acquired from a complex interaction of 'nature and nurture.' All of us have some feelings we did not choose, but the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that we still have the power to resist and reform our feelings (as needed) and to assure that they do not lead us to entertain inappropriate thoughts or to engage in sinful behavior.”

“Different persons have different physical characteristics and different susceptibilities to the various physical and emotional pressures we may encounter in our childhood and adult environments. We did not choose these personal susceptibilities either, but we do choose and will be accountable for the attitudes, priorities, behavior, and 'lifestyle' we engraft upon them.”

“Essential to our doctrinal position on these matters is the difference between our freedom and our agency. Our freedom can be limited by various conditions of mortality, but God’s gift of agency cannot be limited by outside forces, because it is the basis for our accountability to him.”

Same-Gender Attraction

Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

This was even more unsatisfying than what my bishop had said. I really didn't like the part about not using the words homosexual, lesbian, and gay as nouns. I can understand their reasoning in this, but it just seems extreme in nature. To avoid the word almost feels like you're avoiding the fact that we actually exist. Yeah, being gay isn't everything about me. It doesn't sum me up, but it is a part of who I am and a part of my self identification. I denied that for too long and don't want to anymore. 

So all in all it was a very unsatisfying day. I got my hopes a little too high, just to have them crash back to the reality of the situation.

Refusing Callings

Today, for the first time in my life, I refused a calling offered to me. In some ways, I feel awful about it, but in reality I feel much more relief. The first counselor ward was going to call me to be a ward missionary. Right after saying it he says, “Now you’re probably thinking to yourself ‘What would a ward missionary do in a BYU ward.’”

I stared back at him and bluntly said, “Actually… that is not what’s going on in my head at all. I’m just not going to be able to accept that calling.”

I just know that I couldn’t have that calling. In my previous ward I had to ask to be removed as Elders Quorum instructor because I couldn’t stand up and testify of the gospel without having too many conflicting emotions wash over me. It’s not that I don’t believe or have some testimony of the gospel, it’s more that all the emotions and sadness that come with accepting the fate of never being able to find someone I can share eternity with wash over and flood my mind every time I do bear testimony now. Then it just hurts too much. I know if I couldn’t deal with that kind of emotional pressure every time I tried to fulfill my calling.

I understand the idea that some callings are more for the individual who is called than for the people I would affect, but I can’t take that right now. Maybe this would help me to sort out these ideas and find where I fit in all this, but more likely it will just make me more upset and guilt ridden.

When I moved to this new ward I was hoping to be able to move in with a clean slate; to just blend in with everyone else in the ward. But now my bishopric knows that I’m dealing with some issues. They don’t know what, thankfully, but I’m now under their awareness radars.

Marcus, my brother, said people refuse callings all the time. He just never said how hard it is to actually go out and do it, especially if you’re trying to avoid actually telling them the issues you’re facing. It’s hard to maneuver through those probing questions, even if they’re trying to not do it.

The first counselor was really trying to accept and be understanding of my issues (without actually knowing what they were). I told him I was temple worthy, but that there were some ideas and doctrines I was working through. He gave me the whole schpeel about how our testimony is like a wall of bricks: sometimes there are doctrines of the gospel that we don’t understand. These are like bricks that don’t fit. Instead of throwing them away or giving up on the wall we need to set them aside and move on to other things. Those bricks will fit somewhere later on.

In my case, this is a load of crap. I can’t just set these feeling aside. I can’t set this part of me, that I have just begun to accept, and that has given me so much happiness lately aside; maybe other doctrines, but not this one. It just doesn’t work. So I had to refuse this calling.

I feel really good about my refusal though. I feel it’s better to refuse than to accept the calling and avoid doing anything with it. Then you’re shirking on something you agreed to do. I’ve done that before and it always feels like you’re letting people down.

Anyway, what do you all in the MoHo blog-o-sphere think about refusing callings? Is it justifiable?

Law of Chastity Question Box

This afternoon in Elders Quorum our bishop announced that next week they were going to be talking about the law of chastity and how and when couples can approach and begin talking about it while dating so that there is no confusion before marriage. They said they'd be addressing pornography, and infidelity and other issues as well. Then they said that after that they would be open the meeting up to questions that anyone might have about the law of chastity. To make things less awkward they passed around papers and a box this week that people could submit their question into if they were not comfortable asking these questions next week.


My initial reaction was that I was going to do as my brother had told me he did when a law of chastity box came around in his ward. He and some friends decided to ask very strange and unorthodox questions just for fun, like "Are kissing orgies okay?" or "Is masturbation okay after marriage?" They thought that their bishopric would dismiss them as a joke and move on to real questions. Instead they tried to answer these awkward questions to the delight of my brother and his friends.


After thinking about that for a bit I realized that instead I wanted to be serious and get the ward and others thinking about the issues pertaining to homosexual. So here are the questions I actually asked.

• If homosexual marriage were legal and a gay couple waited till marriage to have sex is it still against the law of chastity?
• Are the dating standards for straight couples (i.e. kissing, cuddling, holding hands etc.) also acceptable for homosexual couples?
• How can homosexuals reconcile with the idea of Eternal Temple Marriage?

I don't know if any of these questions will be addressed by our bishopric next week, I'll let you all know if they are and how it goes, but if anything it will bring an awareness to my bishopric of the ideas that I and perhaps others in my ward are trying to come to terms with. We'll see how it all goes.

Moho Map Madness

****This post should actually be part of the last post but I waited to get permission for quoting my friends Facebook message.****

So last Saturday morning as I woke up and was getting ready for Marcus' wedding I noticed that I had a Facebook message from my sister Louise' ex boyfriend, who also belongs to the ward I just switched to. I opened it up and was jolted by what I read. He started by saying "So this is really weird how I came across your new blog." That's all I read at first and knew that he was talking about this blog. Turns out he had been added on Skype by a friend who had a link to this on their Facebook page. "I started reading different links to educate myself cause a friend is in your same situation right now. Then I thought, 'Hmmm I wonder if I know anyone that posted from Provo,' so I clicked on the different links and lo and behold there was Chuck D!" I didn't really think of this as a consequence, but I really am not trying to hide myself. I feel that anyone who is looking at the Moho map is doing it with the right intentions. But it was a surprise. He just felt he should tell me and offer his support. "You're a great person and I hope you know there is no judgement coming from my direction. You've got a great family and I'm sure they'll love you no matter what. I'll see you...at church!" I think it takes a classy guy to write a letter like this and I really appreciated it. It was jolting, but I'm okay with it.

So Much Stuff...

too little time.

Okay, so a ton of things have happened lately that I felt I should blog about, but I didn't. Sorry. I am such a slacker right now. Anyway, these should all be different blog posts but I'm doing them all at once. Oh, I've given them titles just for the fun of it.

Wedded Bliss
My brother Marcus got married to Sarah on Saturday. (Marcus totally married up 'cause Sarah is AMAZING!) So I was able to attend their temple ceremony and everything else. This was my first wedding I've been to in the temple. It was really nice and I was amazed at the simplicity of it all. Of course, as the sealer was explaining to Marcus and Sarah the importance of their matrimony I couldn't help but think if I will ever be able to experience marriage. If so, it won't be in the temple, and it would be with a guy. Enough of the pity party, the wedding was awesome and I am so happy for them.

Cornered by the Bishop
Now I almost didn't get to the temple ceremony because I had to renew my temple recommend two weeks ago. So, I set up the interview as usual and go into to meet with my bishop on a Thursday during my 15 minute alloted time. He sits me down and explains that my roommate Art had told him that I had been going through some troubles. So I try to tiptoe around the subject and explain that I'm trying to understand and work through some doctrinal issues. My bishop then asks for specifics. He's not letting me settle with generalities. By this time I feel cornered, and on edge and decide that there is no other way of avoiding it so I tell him that I'm gay. I hadn't planned on it and didn't want to tell him but I was very straight with him (pun intended) and laid it all out there.

First off, he didn't seemed shocked, but he did seem like this was his first run in as a bishop with this. He began asking about the law of chastity and pornography and I answered as directly as I could. It was so excruciatingly painful. He then asked if I wouldn't mind meeting with him again before having a temple interview so that he could process this. In my mind I was screaming "Hell no!" but I said it was okay. He set it up for me to meet again that Sunday after church. That mean't I had from Thursday and Sunday to go over all the possible scenarios that could be played out. Basically it was the weekend from Hell.

Outed by a Friend
Okay so this title basically sums it up...sorta. The Sunday that my fate would be decided by my bishop I was texting my friend Art about the situation during Sunday School. The Wednesday before Art had left for seven weeks to Virginia to work for EFY. I was explaining how I was cornered into telling the bishop I was gay. The next text I got from him was an apology. Art had told the bishop my situation earlier in an interview he had. He had told the bishop to get advice for himself and his life and how to deal with my being gay. So the bishop already knew and just wanted me to admit it to him. That's why the bishop didn't seem surprised when I told him! I initially couldn't fully process what had happened and just felt betrayed. But I've moved on from it. I told Art that next time he should say "a friend" instead of outing someone to their priesthood authority.

Before I move on I want to make it clear that Art is really an amazing friend, he just wasn't thinking when he did what he did, and he has apologized many time for it and I forgive him. Accidents and stupid mistakes happen and we move on.

Decision Time
With only an hour between finding out that Art outed me to the bishop and my interview I was a nervous wreck. I left Sunday School early to go process and glazed through Elders Quorum and then it was time to meet bishop. Well, needless to say it was all okay. My panic had been in vain and the bishop had researched and said that as long as I was temple worthy my sexual orientation didn't matter. He actually kept commending me for the integrity of my spirit. I don't know how to take a compliment like that. Anyway we went through the interview, I got my recommend, and left. Thank goodness I only have to go through that kind of hell every two years.

Oh, and during that interview I asked to be released from my calling as Elders Quorum instructor (I couldn't stand up there and teach something that I personally am wrestling with. I felt hypocritical) and told him that I would be leaving the ward in a week. We didn't technically live in the ward boundaries, it's a complicated story. So I'm gonna go to the ward that I'm suppose to. My sister Louise attends that ward and I've come out to her so it'll be nice to have someone who understands things.

p.s. the Stake interview went much smoother.

Working Through It
The next two weeks were spent working through my feelings of being outed by Art and hanging out with my family as they all came in for Marcus' wedding. I even ran the Provo Freedom Festival 5k on the 5th with my family. I waited on writing about some things till I had worked through them myself. Anyway, it's been a crazy chaotic nerve wracking, and fun two weeks.

So that's what's been going on in my life.

Sabbath Day

For the past few months it has been a real struggle for me to get up on Sunday and go to church (and my church starts at one). I feel I've lost some of the desire and motivation to get myself there every Sunday. I find myself debating whether or not I should go, and until recently I have mainly gone to seem alright to my roommate Art. Now that he knows what's going on with me I don't even have that as a motivation. 

Ever since coming out to myself and accepting my homosexuality as a real part of me it's gotten harder to go each week. When I finally do go to church I feel almost left out in an eternal perspective from all the talks, lessons, and discussions. I see even more now how certain religious themes and ideas are prevalent in everything we Mormons do and say. I'm not bitter towards the church or anything, but I do feel there are eternal goals that everyone in church is aiming for and centers their teachings around that I will never be a part of; Eternal marriage, celestial glory, and raising a family for instance. These goals were once a huge part of myself, but now I question if any of them are still attainable to me.

My outward actions so far have not changed, but inwardly all my perceptions and motivations are changing and I don't know what to do and how to feel. 

My brother Marcus recently asked in reference to the church if I was "coming or going?" and I really didn't know how to answer. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a definite emotional push toward "going" but part of me still wants to remain. I cannot say that I believe the church is not true. I use to teach and put trust in the fact that "the church of Jesus Christ is for everyone." In a way I still believe that, but I wonder if I am ready and willing to choose to be a part of something that I feel left out from; or from something that leaves me with unachievable eternal goals. I know that at some point I am going to have to make a decision...I just don't know what that will be.

Crazy Weekend

This weekend was crazy. I went with my whole extended family camping Friday to Saturday. It was awesome to be outside enjoying this amazing summer weather. I love my extended family. Basically all you need is food and you have a party with these people.I loved it.

I was suppose to run/walk a 5k with one of my brothers and sister-in-law on Saturday, but it was cancelled due to some health issues with my nephew (he's doing better now). So instead I was able to stay up at the camp for another relaxing day.

Then on Sunday I had a fabulous time at the Utah Pride Festival. It was so amazing to be surrounded by so many gay people and supporters. I was able to see the parade and all the cute guys that came with it. Man there were a lot of cute guys there! It was awesome. Later my brother Marcus' fiancée Sarah joined me at the festival. Marcus said he would have come if it weren't for the fact that he's living in Indonesia right now, so he messaged me the whole time instead. It was really cool to have some family support there. We were able to see some of the entertainment (there is something about a drag show that makes me all joyful inside) and enjoy the festivities. I really had a good time and felt so great afterwards. 

Then yesterday, yes I'm counting Monday as part of my weekend, I came out to my roommate Art. This was totally unexpected and surprising. I had planned on coming out to him once I had moved out of our apartment because I wasn't sure how he'd take it. I had even made a mental pros and cons list for if I should come out to him:

Cons- You never know how someone will react, his life is firmly centered in the gospel and Mormonism, he's the kinda guy who loves to shop and read books from Deseret Book, he is going to be a seminary teacher in the fall and I have had problems with other seminary teachers, I don't want him to feel awkward or uncomfortable in his own apartment.

Pros- He is my best friend of all time, he has shared many personal things with me under confidence, he has two gay uncles that he's talked about with me, he shares my concern and understands my distaste of aspects of Mormon Culture, we've had many conversations about homosexuality and Mormonism.

In the end the list was thrown out as the circumstances just lead to me telling him. I got home yesterday from doing yard work for my grandpa for ten hours and all I wanted was to go to a sit down restaurant with my friend. So that's what we did. At dinner he was asking me about my life. He'd noticed that I was in a slump and was genuinely asking me how I was doing. I don't get that a lot from him (I usually tell him before he asks) so it felt nice to have him notice. I told him I was in a state of "transition" and that I was scared of where things were going in my life. He sympathized with me and we continued to talk with vague references to things.

 When we finished eating and were driving home he once again genuinely asked to know what my problems were. I couldn't hold it in any longer. So I told him that I was gay. 

Side note: You know every time I say the words "I'm gay" to someone for the first time they feel so plain. I don't know why, but I always expect more of a revelation or intense feeling to come with those words but if doesn't. The feelings come later as we talk about it more, but the initial statement seems so blah to me compared to everything else.

Well, I guess you never can expect how people will react. To me it seemed as if he took it so natural. Like if I had said "I have red hair" or something obvious and normal. I guess I had been prepping him for this for a while. Later he mentioned that he had thought about asking me if I was gay. The guy has lived with me for 3 years and we served in the same mission, it makes sense that he'd have some inkling about my sexuality. 

As our conversation continued I was just so happy to feel the true friendship between us. He was absolutely supportive and understanding. He made it very clear that our friendship isn't built on our connection to the church but on who we are as people. It was awesome. Before yesterday I hated having to hide a part of who I was from my best friend, now I'm just happy to have a roommate who is understanding of my situation and won't judge me if one Sunday I just don't feel like going to church, or any other type of situation that comes around. He's an awesome guy and he's gonna make some girl really lucky one day.

The Dream

I don't put a lot of faith or belief in the idea of dreams, but every once in a while things happen that are hard to understand. The scariest dream I've ever had occurred while I was on my mission. In my dream I was shot in the chest. But I didn't wake up immediate like I thought I would, instead I was just laying on the ground waiting for death to take over. Okay, so there were some weird parts where the guy in the dream was trying to help me up, and I was like, "I think I'm feeling better." and he'd say, "No your not you're dying!" Looking back on that seems almost funny that I didn't realize it was a dream (I have had dreams where I know that I'm dreaming and I have fun with it) But overall the experience was the freakiest thing in the world. You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes right before death, well it happens even in dreams. I kept thinking of the sins and bad things I'd done in my life (keep in mind I was on my mission). Finally, I woke up and with this huge pain in my chest.

Okay, so that's the story as I tell it to everyone. The part of the dream that has always haunted me, and that I've never told anyone, was that I was shot by a woman because she caught me in bed with her boyfriend. That's right. I was shot for being gay. Just imagine what this did to me while I'm serving God and my religion for two years. I felt so ashamed of myself. At the time I thought that God was sending me a message about what would happen if I ever acted on my desires. This is the only dream I've ever had that I can retain so many of the vivid memories. I had the dream five years ago and I still remember it.

Now that I've decide to accept myself and my desires I've been reflecting on this dream. I honestly don't think that it was a message from God. I think it was more likely a manifestation of my inward struggles while on the mission, but I don't ever think I'll forget the horror of lying on the floor waiting to die.

A Crossroads

Well, it’s been a crazy emotional week since I last blogged and I feel like I’ve come quite a way. I guess I could say that the night I wrote my first blog post I had hit rock bottom. I has spent all of my spring break vacation sitting alone in my apartment trying to understand who I was and what I could do. Obviously I had had all these thoughts before, but never with such intensity. I was at my breaking point and didn’t know what to do. That night I decided I had to find someone I could just talk to. I needed someone who’d listen, empathize, and counsel without any judgments.

The next day I called my brother Marcus. Marcus currently lives in Oklahoma and is the most liberal and understanding of my siblings. He’s even at times joked and said, “You know you can tell me if you’re gay.” To others it would seem like a harmless joke, but we both knew he meant it seriously if I were ever ready. We talked for hours and tears were shed and love was shared. It was really nice to know that he supports me in whatever I choose to do.

This experience helped me make a choice. After coming out to Marcus I felt my emotional weight lighten. In coming out to him, I have made a choice. No more wallowing in self denial and guilt for something I cannot control. I can now make steps towards really understanding who I am and what I want in life. I still looking at and trying to understand my personal religious, social, and moral beliefs. And I know that it is going to take a while, but it’s far better than being in the state I was a week ago. I’ve accepted my homosexuality and now I have to understand what comes with that. I know I have a long way to go still. There are a lot of things I need to figure out, but I am optimistic for the future.

As I think about this week and the decisions I’ll be making in the future a song comes into my head. I recently re-heard it at a friend’s talent show and now I can’t get it out of my head. Part of it goes:

I don't know where I belong

But I'll be moving on

If you don't

If you won't

Listen

To the song here in my heart

A melody I start but I will complete

Oh now I'm done believing you

You don't know what I'm feeling

I'm more than what you made of me

I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I've got to find my own

My own...

This is how I feel. I am alone at a crossroads and I am now excited to find my own way, and accept me for who I am. Like I said before, this has been an emotional week for me.

A Rant

I can’t stand it anymore. The silence is killing me. I have to tell someone that I’m gay or I’m going to explode. I thought about my brother M but how much can I really trust him. He’s the most liberal minded of my 9 siblings, but I don’t know if he’d be concerned enough to tell my parents, and I don’t want that. I just want someone to talk to about my situation. I hate having this secret and I really want to know what I can do about it. I just wish I had someone to talk to about my problems; my conscience just suggested God, but that feels like a one-sided conversation. Uhg! It’s tearing me up inside.

I've started to hate myself, my image, my life. Everything wrong in my life I punish myself with by blaming it on being gay. I've come to hate everything that really makes up the core of who I am. I feel like such a hypocrite. I live in the heart of Utah Valley and I don’t know any other gay people. I mean I’m aware that they’re out there but I personally have no gay friends. The few I've met in school I don't feel enough to to really share with them my feelings.

That's not the only issue I’m dealing with is that I am not the stereotypical gay man. When people around me think of gay men they don’t see the Bearish 25 year old 270 lbs redhead in front of them, no they envision this skinny twink that is effeminate and every girl’s best friend. (Okay so the girl’s best friend part fits me to a T). And I’m attracted to other hairy large men. I understand that there are Bears out there but I don’t know where. I don’t even know what I would do if I found one since I have no dating experience. None! I get set up by family with girls that are so nice and sweet but who I have no attraction for, so I never have progressed beyond maybe 2 dates since I don’t feel right leading them on.

I just feel like I have no one to talk to who understand me and what I’m going through. I’m sick of feeling alone and helpless. I’m sick of sitting at home because I have no one who really understands me. I’m sick of never being able to fully open up to anyone. I just want someone to talk to. I hope that by creating this blog I might find someone out there who can relate to me.

Sorry I didn't mean to whine like that. I guess I'm just having a bad day.