Sunday, March 13, 2011


I know it's been a while since I've blogged but I was thinking today about prayer and I was hoping to get some input and thoughts about it.

Up until I created this blog I can honestly say that prayer was an important part of my day. I can't say that my prayers were always heartfelt and sincere, but at least I would make an effort to pray and hope that my prayers were answered. I followed the structured prayers that I had taught as a missionary ( you know, address God, give thanks, ask for needs and desires, close in the name of Christ). I felt at the time that prayer was important in building a relationship with God, but even then I struggled to feel this relationship forming at times, so I'd try harder to be sincere in my prayers and work on this relationship.

When I finally began to come out of the closet and wrestle with the ideas of being both Mormon and gay I stopped praying completely. This was about 6 months ago. I felt as if I needed to take a break from my relationship with God and try and figure some things out. I felt that my sincere prayers for most of my life to have my homosexuality controlled and removed were a waste. I began to wonder if God was even out there and hearing my prayers, and if he even cared. Were my prayers just me trying to make a relationship with someone that didn't exist, or just didn't reciprocate the message back?

Now, I do feel and hold on to hope that God does exist. I believe that there is goodness in Mormonism, but I also feel that the rigid structure of the religion can help many people, but for me it was holding me back from happiness and well being in this life. I like to consider myself a "less active" member by choice. 

Now when I pray, it's more a meditation of ideas. I don't want to adhere to any type of form of prayer. It comes more as I ponder things in my mind. It's not a prepared statement to some person, but a jumble of ideas to figure out. I don't expect any communication from God, but would love it, and I cannot deny that other prayers of mine have been answered. if he does answer me I'm pleased with that. 

So, now I'm wondering (and I'd love some input on this) it's okay to pray for things that I want that aren't always in line with Mormon teachings. I've been taught all my life that I should pray to find that woman I could marry and go to the temple with. Now that prayer is just not practical for me. I'd rather pray for things I really do want and are achievable in my life. So what do you think? Is it okay for me to pray to God that I meet a man to date and have a relationship with?

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Body Image

I saw this on another blog and felt I had to share it. I'm working on loving myself for who I am, but I cannot deny that when I read this I agreed with it completely. I'm not what most other gay men might think is attractive and I'm not completely attracted to what other people might see as attractive. I just want to find someone who loves me for me.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Telling the 'Rents: Having the Convo...

You know those conversations where one subject leads to another in a smooth transition and you feel like many things were talked about and progress was made...

Yeah, my talk with my parents wasn't like that at all.

I went home and we ate dinner. I tried to keep it all pretty casual during the meal, as if it was any other time I'd come to dinner. Of course the whole time I was freaking out about how and what was going to happen. 

After dinner I asked if we could go into the living room to talk. I sat down on our couch and the room felt expansive. I felt like they were sitting fifty feet away from me, in reality it was like ten, max. I explained that one of my goals this year has been to work on honesty. Being honest and true with myself and with others. "Part of that is wanting to be completely honest with you too as well. Which is why I feel like it is important for you to know that I am gay."

My parents go silent. My mother leans back in her rocking chair like she's been shoved back by the words. My father stares at the ground for a moment that feels like five minutes. Awkward silence fills the room.

My dad finally speaks, "What does that mean?"

I think to myself that they really should know what it means. "It means that I am attracted to men instead of women." It's only later that the true meaning of his question comes to me. He wanted to know what that meant for me and my future, what are the consequences and challenges that I am going to face because of this, and what have I decided already to do with this information. But, at the time all I could hear was the shock and weight this information was having on my parents.

The whole rest of the night was filled with these awkward silences and a feeling that things were not processing or resolving in my parents mind. It was not the horrible scenario nor the wonderful reaction I had planned on. In a way is was very real and very complex. My parents were generally taken for surprise, although my mom said she thought it might be what I going to talk about, she had hoped she was wrong. I answered the few questions they asked, most of the time was spent in silence letting it all soak in. My parents both expressed love for me and empathized with my situation. 

I explained to them that I was still trying to figure things out about what my future would hold and the life decisions I was going to make. I was intentionally vague about my relationship with God and the church, one giant shock to reality at a time. That conversation will have to wait, but I did let them know that I had a temple recommend from a Bishop who knew I was gay. I excluded telling them that I've only been to the temple once since getting it and that was for my brother's wedding. 

When it came to understanding what the churches position on homosexuality was I was shocked and amazed to find that they really didn't know it at all. It was clear that part of the whole  problem with processing this info hinged on their lack of knowledge about what the church thought about it. It wasn't just the churches. They really needed to get to understand the concept of homosexuality in many other ways. I was taken back by all that.

My mom cried and bore her testimony. I shared how difficult it was trying to live in the closet and how it filled me feelings or worthlessness and guilt that I feel has been relieved since coming out to myself. My father shared with me how he knows about my potential in life to succeed in whatever I tackled, no matter what choices. these were the small nice parts of the evening. They were surrounded by awkwardness and feelings of un-resolution. 

After two hours of talking it was clear that we all needed to take a break and let things settle. I said I was going to go and my father suggested we have family prayer. I was apprehensive but knew that even speaking out loud can help resolved and comfort. We said a prayer and they gave me a hug and that was it.

I left my home that night not able to understand all the feelings and emotions that were expressed. Did it really just happen. Was that it. There is no turning back.

Over the next week I talked a bit more with my parents and they're coming along. It's gradual but they're trying to understand it all. It has been nice to not have to hide such a large part of me with the two most important people in the world to me.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Telling the 'Rents: Preparing Myself

Text from messages Monday afternoon-

Me: Hey mom what are you guys doing tonight?
Mom: Not much.
Me: When will dad be home I wanted to talk to you about something.
Mom: Six.
Me: Cool. I'll come by around then.
Mom: Wanna come for dinner?
Me: Sure.

It was so simple. I had set up my coming out. There was no turning back. I had been thinking about talking to my parents for the last month. I've been having many conversations with friends and family about homosexuality or my dating life recently. In all these conversations I just wanted to be completely honest with them, but restrained myself. I had been feeling that before I tell anyone else I'm gay I need to tell the two most important people in my life. So I made a goal on Sunday Oct. 31 to tell them before the week was up, and here I was Monday Nov. 1 getting ready to tell them.

I didn't have a note for them to read. I didn't prepare a speech. I didn't have anyone in particular for them to meet. I didn't have any of those things. I didn't even have a solid plan for how I'd tell them. What I had was a desire to share this part of me with my father and mother. There were some points I wanted to make sure I told them but nothing solid. Oh and I also had been preparing my mind for the best and worst case scenarios. Those had been running through my mind for quite some time. I knew they were a little far fetched but couldn't stop imagining them.

Best case: My parents had been expecting this. Had looked into what the church thought about all this. They'd prepared themselves in advance and now were ready to love and accept everything that I told them with understanding. They understood and could see why I might be struggling with the church and were going to support me in whatever happened.

Worst case: They have no idea how to take this. Instead of thinking about it rationally their emotions take over. My dad cannot accept this and begins to scream and demand that I leave his house immediately. My mom is so overwhelmed that she sobs constantly and does nothing to help me pacify my father.  Because of that night I do not go home for the holidays, even though I live 30 min. away. I live estranged for at least a while from my family.

Alright, so just fyi neither of these situations seemed whole probable and both are far more than extreme for how my parents reacted.

So, with all that in mind I went home to dinner with my mom and dad.

I apologize, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed in writing this. So it seems i'll have to make this a two part post.

I'll explain more later, but for now I should let you know that things went okay. My parents still love me and are coming to terms with this all. Oh and there was a lot of awkward silence that night. I'll write more tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I Finally Did It

I finally did it. I told my parents. I'll blog about it later after it all sinks in.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Conversation With Self

I took a walk and had a talk with my 22 year old self last night. It was quite an experrience. It was interesting to see where I still had such simular ideas about religion and my sexuality, two of the most important things in my life right now, but also astounding to see how far I've come and how much I've changed.

22 year old me shared a lot, more than he would have with anyone else. In talking to him all the feelings and emotions of my mission, my testimony, and my faith in God were brought back in vivid remembrance. He's much stronger in the gospel than I am now, but still is able to approach situations with logic, caution, and a pure desire for happiness.

I tried to give my 22 year old self advice. To prepare him for the future and explain my current situation. Some of it he took in. There were other parts that it was clear he was not ready for nor wanting to hear. He's not ready to come out to anyone, but he's facing life with an understanding and clarity that I admire so dearly.

I hope and pray that my 22 year old self maintains the qualities that I admire in him. Perhaps his future will be different than my present. But I know I've gained more perspective due to the small walk and talk I had with my 22 year old self.