Friday, April 16, 2010

The Dream

I don't put a lot of faith or belief in the idea of dreams, but every once in a while things happen that are hard to understand. The scariest dream I've ever had occurred while I was on my mission. In my dream I was shot in the chest. But I didn't wake up immediate like I thought I would, instead I was just laying on the ground waiting for death to take over. Okay, so there were some weird parts where the guy in the dream was trying to help me up, and I was like, "I think I'm feeling better." and he'd say, "No your not you're dying!" Looking back on that seems almost funny that I didn't realize it was a dream (I have had dreams where I know that I'm dreaming and I have fun with it) But overall the experience was the freakiest thing in the world. You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes right before death, well it happens even in dreams. I kept thinking of the sins and bad things I'd done in my life (keep in mind I was on my mission). Finally, I woke up and with this huge pain in my chest.

Okay, so that's the story as I tell it to everyone. The part of the dream that has always haunted me, and that I've never told anyone, was that I was shot by a woman because she caught me in bed with her boyfriend. That's right. I was shot for being gay. Just imagine what this did to me while I'm serving God and my religion for two years. I felt so ashamed of myself. At the time I thought that God was sending me a message about what would happen if I ever acted on my desires. This is the only dream I've ever had that I can retain so many of the vivid memories. I had the dream five years ago and I still remember it.

Now that I've decide to accept myself and my desires I've been reflecting on this dream. I honestly don't think that it was a message from God. I think it was more likely a manifestation of my inward struggles while on the mission, but I don't ever think I'll forget the horror of lying on the floor waiting to die.

1 comment:

  1. Im so sorry! That sounds like a horrible dream to have.

    Im glad that you think it is the manifestation now, rather than a direction from God. That would definately be a fire-and-brimstone kind of God! lol.