Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Mistake

In beginning this story I need to explain two important things:

1- For the last four summers I have worked for EFY, the LDS churches youth program. I loved every minute of my experience there and felt that I had a lot to contribute to these youth who were struggling. In some way, I feel my certain circumstances as a closeted gay man gave me a understanding of the struggles these youth deal with involving feelings of negative self worth, guilt from sin, and the unnecessary self-inflicted guilt and shame that many youth carry. I’ll probably say more about EFY another day. 

Four name tags for four years of EFY

2- It’s also important to know that this blog was created out of necessity. I actually have another blog that I update as well using a different profile. My other blog was created out of expression. I wanted a place where I could create and show off various few tidbits about myself with family and friends. It’s a place where my family can see what I choose to show them about what is going on in my life. There are very personal thoughts and ideas that I have expressed on that blog, but I couldn’t express this one part of me. That’s where this blog has come in. Like I said before this blog was created out of necessity: I needed a place where I could put down those ideas and thoughts about being gay that I am only slowly revealing to some of my family and friends (and of course anyone else in the world who takes an interest. I love all my readers). I hope to one day combine the two blogs, but I am not at that point yet.

So, now to my mistake. I have a ton of blogs that I follow both publicly and by using Google Reader. (If you don’t use this you NEED to, it’s one of the greatest things Google has done) Last Wednesday I was signed in on my other profiles Google Reader and was reading one of my EFY friend’s blogs. She mentioned me in a funny way and I decided to comment on her blog. So I went to her posts site and left a comment. The minute I hit post I realized that although my Google Reader account was signed into one profile Blogger was signed into this account. I freaked out and deleted the comment. Blogger only deleted the words of the comment, not the link to this profile. I quickly reposted using my other account, but that link to this profile was permanently placed on her blog. Anyone who read her posts comments would be able to link over to this blog.

I freaked out. The only thing I could think to do was delete this blog, or leave it as is. After a bit of debate I realized that I could not delete this blog. I love it too much. It’s where I get to express all of who I really am. So I left it, knowing that any of my EFY friends or others could now read my blog…if they dared. I was really nervous. Worst case scenarios kept creeping into my head of friends lost, or telling everyone else and ostracizing me. Anyway, I came to the conclusion that this blog is genuine enough that if anyone who really cared about me read it they would be understanding of my situation, or they really weren’t my friends (besides how many people read all the comments on other peoples blogs).

Overall nothing bad has happened yet. I don’t know who all looked at my profile, and I wonder about the girl whose blog it was. I did have one amazing friend who texted me the next day and said he’d read this blog. He expressed sympathy for my situation and an open ear if I need to talk. I was really grateful for that. I am grateful that classy people like him still exist in the world; it’s a whole lot better off because of them.


  1. This reminds me of how we're pulled from the womb and if we're lucky we start screaming at the top of our lungs. It's too cold. It's too bright. But somehow most of us survive. Sounds like you're going to survive this, too.

  2. Ahhhh, this is exactly how things got out to the in-laws for us. Should have warned you about it. Hope things go well. Nothing to fear but fear itself right?

  3. Hey.. good luck... I am a happily remarried LDS guy and I have to tell you I skipped priesthood this past spring to march in the Pride parade with my wife holding a sign that said Straight Guy for Equal Rights... I actually carried one side of a huge banner with like 160 other straight people. You are not taking the easy road. That being said I think you do not change who you are that easily. Again... Good Luck..