Ever since coming out to myself and accepting my homosexuality as a real part of me it's gotten harder to go each week. When I finally do go to church I feel almost left out in an eternal perspective from all the talks, lessons, and discussions. I see even more now how certain religious themes and ideas are prevalent in everything we Mormons do and say. I'm not bitter towards the church or anything, but I do feel there are eternal goals that everyone in church is aiming for and centers their teachings around that I will never be a part of; Eternal marriage, celestial glory, and raising a family for instance. These goals were once a huge part of myself, but now I question if any of them are still attainable to me.
My outward actions so far have not changed, but inwardly all my perceptions and motivations are changing and I don't know what to do and how to feel.
My brother Marcus recently asked in reference to the church if I was "coming or going?" and I really didn't know how to answer. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a definite emotional push toward "going" but part of me still wants to remain. I cannot say that I believe the church is not true. I use to teach and put trust in the fact that "the church of Jesus Christ is for everyone." In a way I still believe that, but I wonder if I am ready and willing to choose to be a part of something that I feel left out from; or from something that leaves me with unachievable eternal goals. I know that at some point I am going to have to make a decision...I just don't know what that will be.
Charles, two thoughts:
ReplyDelete1. I am not so sure eternal marriage, celestial glory or raising a family are outside your reach. The Church has been known to change its position on things that seem like dogmatic truths (like giving the Priesthood to black people, or the necessity of polygamy for salvation). I have a small wager with a friend that within my lifetime either women will hold the Priesthood or gay people will have celestial marriage. 'Course that doesn't make your situation right now any easier, especially since it's banking on a hope.
2. I am sorry you feel so far on the outs. I know it's not exactly the same, but we all feel on the outs sometimes. I am somewhat of an intellectual feminist who isn't particularly comfortable with a certain general authority's comments that intellectuals, feminists and homosexuals are enemies to the church. I have at times felt like the very way God had created me was at odds with what I've been taught are his designs for me. So I heavily relate to the movie Cool Hand Luke, and hope that I do fit in somewhere.
At any rate, regardless of what you choose, I want you to know you are loved.
I read your blog thinking that there have been times when I've felt the same way. Then I realized that the person who was "distancing" myself from the gospel was me.
ReplyDeleteI think we need to be careful when we use the term "coming out," I've always perfered being honest with ourselves. When we say coming out, what are we really meaning? Are we moving away from what we believe? Are we saying we are now going to allow the way we feel we are orientated so to speak is going to be the main influence of our spirituality?
I think its important that we keep that in perspective and also realize that at times we choose were we are going in how we spend our time and where we allow our minds to be.
Remember that we are loved and accepted of God, but not all of our own choices will be if we choose to follow a path of our own. But while he may not like our choices he does love us and there is always a way home. We just need to want to be there. Don't spend so much time trying to "separate yourself" because you feel different. Try finding reasons to belong.
There are people on both sides of the fence that are going to try and push you one way or the other. Only you will know the right path for you; just live deliberately and make decisions carefully. There is a phrase that floats around the MoHo sphere that I have picked up on - "Follow the peace."
ReplyDeleteFirst off: Reina, as usual, had in my opinion the best comment. She, Marcus, and I seem to be the ones able to relate to you, and I strongly recommend taking "A crow's View" as just that, a view. His view is a view that you will get from many, many members and just because it hits home on your computer screen does not mean it is not regurgitated crap that he sees fit to preach at you. I don’t give a damn what he says about you distancing yourself, it is the church that has been, since its beginning, distancing itself from homosexual members, as if the horrid term they use (SSA), were a disease. There has never been a case of a MoHo excommunicating the church, or “dis-fellowshiping” it. There has always been, and likely will always be a suppression of minorities by majorities. It is as if simply because they have more people backing them they have the right to speak in ultimatums that they have no understanding about. I am obviously a semi-cynical person, but I strongly recommend deleting that comment, and if you feel it dually necessary, my own as well. That man, like many people you will meant in this life have decided that there is one way to do everything, one way to get to heaven in this instance, and that is more than any man, or organization is fit to define. I, on the other hand, believe that there is more than one. If god wants as many of his children to return to him as possible why would he provide only one way to achieve that goal. In church doctrine it is believed that even if you were a great person on earth, but weren't baptized and sealed on earth that you won’t go to hell (Which makes sense) but that it will be very unlikely that many will achieve the highest level of glory, aka the Celestial K. I think that that is an elitist, conceded, arrogant, and ludicrous assumption.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, If you spend the rest of your life lying, to yourself, your peers, and to your family, just imagine the amounts of "Lying sins" that will add up. The amount would be astronomical! Be true to yourself first and foremost. And PLEASE understand that as much as we, those on the "Blog-isphere" may try to influence you, it will be your choice where you end up. You will decide whether you will, hopefully, end up with the man of your dreams hoping for the best, or living a lie while hoping for the best. Both involve hope, but at least the first one has a happy beginning, before a possible happy/unhappy ending. Know that, of the blogs I have spend months shuffling through, the only success stories are the ones that involve the individual in question choosing to be themselves, and in many instances that meant finding a life partner. Live, Laugh, Love! Don't Live, Laugh, Lie...
Have an excellent day.
-BHG
Marcus- first off thanks for commenting; you know how much I love it. okay, I totally can see and understand where your are coming from with your first point. And I could totally see that happening at some point, but right now I'm trying to feel if it's worth holding out on that iffy kind of hope. You're an amazing brother and thanks for the support.
ReplyDeleteCrow's View- I can totally see your point of view. And I am aware of me distancing myself, but I can also feel and see the church as a whole distancing itself from homosexuals as well. Furthermore I really like the term "Coming out" I feel it appropriately sums up the emotions, thoughts, and experiences that I have been through. Coming out is all about being honest and sincere with yourself and who you are. Being out is a personal thing for me and doesn't come with any choices besides being honest with oneself and others.
Reina- Thank you so much for your comment. I always look forward to your comments because they are so uplifting, honest, and fair. This post was to express my current feelings and you're right, the decision will come later and through me. if there is one thing about me it's that my decisions are well thought out and deliberate.
BHG- Thanks so much for your insights and input. I believe that you and Crows View each express one end of the argument that I am dealing with and working through in this post, and it's important to hear and understand both sides. Just as long as we don't turn our own minds off and go with the flow. You are right though in saying that lying to myself is horrible. Since coming out I have felt so much better about myself. The guilt and shame are fading away and being replaced with acceptance and happiness. And trust me I am Living, Laughing, and Loving much more now than ever.
I just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel. I am there too. I really don't know where I am headed. It's tough.
ReplyDelete