A Conversation With Self

I took a walk and had a talk with my 22 year old self last night. It was quite an experrience. It was interesting to see where I still had such simular ideas about religion and my sexuality, two of the most important things in my life right now, but also astounding to see how far I've come and how much I've changed.

22 year old me shared a lot, more than he would have with anyone else. In talking to him all the feelings and emotions of my mission, my testimony, and my faith in God were brought back in vivid remembrance. He's much stronger in the gospel than I am now, but still is able to approach situations with logic, caution, and a pure desire for happiness.

I tried to give my 22 year old self advice. To prepare him for the future and explain my current situation. Some of it he took in. There were other parts that it was clear he was not ready for nor wanting to hear. He's not ready to come out to anyone, but he's facing life with an understanding and clarity that I admire so dearly.

I hope and pray that my 22 year old self maintains the qualities that I admire in him. Perhaps his future will be different than my present. But I know I've gained more perspective due to the small walk and talk I had with my 22 year old self.

Coming Out

Coming out to my parents is on the forefront of my mind tonight. Any suggestions?...What to do, what not to do?

What I Am

So I recently ran across this video and fell in love with it. The message it shares is meant for kids but applicable for everyone. I hope you enjoy it. I posted the lyrics as well below.

If what I am is what’s in me
Then I’ll stay strong
That’s who I’ll be
And I will always be the best
Me that I can be
There’s only one me
I am it
Have a dream
I’ll follow it
It’s up to me to try

Oh, imma keep my head up high… HIGH!
Keep on reachin’ high… HIGH!
Never gonna quit
I’ll keep gettin’ stronger.

And nothins gonna bring me down… No!
Never gonna stop gotta go… Go!
Because I know
I’ll keep gettin’ stronger.

And what I AM is THOUGHTFUL.
And what I AM is MUSICAL.
And what I AM is SMART.
And what I AM is BRAVE.
And what I AM is HELPFUL.
And what I AM is SPECIAL.

There’s nothing I can’t achieve
Because in myself I believe in love

Gonna keep our heads up high… HIGH!
Keep on reachin’ high… HIGH!
Never gonna quit
Just keep gettin’ stronger.

And nothins’ gonna bring us down… No!
Never givin’ up gotta go… Go!
Because I know I’ll keep gettin’ stronger.

What I AM is SUPER.
What I AM is PROUD.
What I AM is FRIENDLY.
What I AM is GROUCHY.
What U are is MAGICAL.
What U are is SPECIAL.

There’s nothing I can’t achieve
Because in myself I believe in

Oh, gonna hold my head up high
Keep on reachin’ high
I’m never gonna stop
I’ll keep gettin’ stonger.

Nothins’ gonna bring me down
Never givin’ up
Gotta go
Yeah…
I’ll keep gettin’ stronger.

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

This is the question I've been asking myself. Seriously!

Let me explain. So around August my life was going pretty good. You probably didn't know it (because I didn't write it) but I've been without a job for the last year and a half. My whole last year I was "focusing on school" when in reality I was just having fun and enjoying life as I began to let myself breath. I started this blog. I began to exercise. Things were looking great. After school I began to look for a job and it took till August, but I got one. So I started working. I had come out to some family and freinds, and things were really looking up.

Well, in September my grandma asked me to move out of her apartment. Oh, did I forget to mention I've lived in my grandma's basement for the past 2 years. It's a whole separate apartment and I had a roommate and everything. Anyway my cousin is getting married this month so my grandma asked me to move out so that they could move in after getting hitched. I was totally okay with this since Art, my roommate was moving out for the fall anyway. So I spent like two weeks looking for an apartment and working full time. It was crazy and hectic and nothing seemed to be exactly what I wanted. I wanted to find like a basement apartment or condo or something that had a single room at a fair price. I was avoiding looking at any BYU housing complexes.

Finally, the day before I needed to be out of my grandmas I gave up my search, went to the BYU housing apartment complex Art had moved into, and signed a contract.

So here I am. In an apartment with 3 BYU students. Feeling like I have regressed in some way from where I was in August.

According to my contract I have to live BYU standards to remain living here. Technically I'm already dancing the line with my beard since that's not part of the dress code, but if someone finds out I'm gay I'll have to deal with all that crap, possibly even being kicked out of the complex.

I'm not gonna lie, grandma's was intense. I loved her and being so close, but it was tough. She was always all up in my business. She never came down to visit our apartment, but if friends came over, the next day she'd be asking about them. She was alway telling me about the lovely girls she'd met in the temple that she wanted to fix me up with. I wanted to move out of my grandma's so that I could come out to my parents without worrying about anything happening with my housing situation. Now I feel like I've gone from one closet to another. I've been living here for about a week and I've already felt like I've betrayed myself in conversations with my roommates. I'd don't tell them I'm gay, but I don't tell them I'm not either. It's really annoying.

And now today I've been watching all the It Gets Better videos on YouTube and crying because I want things to get better. I want to start meeting other men and dating. I want to feel free and relaxed in my own apartment. I want to pursue my idea of happiness without other trying to block up or criticize my way. Instead all I've been able to do is look at my present situation and think "What have I gotten myself into?"

I really hate to end things in a depressing way, so instead I'll leave you with this. I love it for it's simplicity.

Priesthood

Written while "taking notes" during the priesthood conference.

So, I'm here at priesthood conference with my two brothers, father, uncles, and grandfather in the Marriott Center. I'm here...but I'm not here. I mainly came because it is tradition in my family for all of the men in my family to gather together and watch this session together. That, and my grandpa takes us all out for dinner every time afterwards. I didn't watch a bit of Saturdays and I really don't plan on watching much tomorrow.

It feels weird. Even before and especially after my mission I use to look forward to conference. I wanted to know what amazing things were going to happen. Now I'm just going through the motions to appease my family. I don't feel like conference is bad, or a waste. I just feel off about the whole church thing in general.

One thing that helps while sitting here for conference to start is to check out all the men gathered around me. While looking around I noticed four men my age walk in. They were dressing in polo shirts and slacks compared to the white shirts and ties everywhere else. This first drew my attention. Two especially were very tan and muscular and my immediate thought was "They're cute." followed closely by "Those two are clearly gay." As they sat down I noticed one man began to rub the others back. It was obviously a sign off affection and very personal; like all those straight couples during sacrament meeting. Not showy at all. They began to hold hands.

I guess I wasn't the only one who noticed. My brother leaned over to me and pointed them out. He didn't notice I had already seen them. "Do you think they're making a statement?" he asked. My brother has a tendency to say things without thinking. I told him that I thought that they just wanted to come to conference. It was clear to me that that was all it was.

Seeing them their together made me feel more comfortable during priesthood conference. It helped me understand that even though I don't do everything I should, and perhaps go through the motions on some things, I should and can do those things that I see as important. No matter what. I am free to make my own choices. Right now I'm choosing to get back to playing games on my phone for the next two hours. Enjoy your conference.